Konoha's Number One Knuckleheaded Player Character
by Alex0597
Summary: Reincarnation: totally implausible, am I right? Just as implausible as leveling up and putting points in Sneak. I guess I'm just one unlucky son of a gun. Why couldn't I have appeared in somewhere other than Naruto's body right after opening the Forbidden Scroll, though? Extremely OOC!Naruto.
1. What a Difficulty Spike

**After reading a number of great ****_Naruto_**** SI fics, a teaspoon of caffeine doled out over 8 hours, and a lack of progress in my next chapter of ****_New Game Plus_****, I give you my next project! Updates will be sporadic, as my muse is a fickle bitch with the attention span of a hummingbird.**

**The videogame part was inspired by Abel Sephaos' Project Konoha and 10000 Fists' Fractured Fate. If you like this, or some of the ideas in here, check out their stories.**

xxXXxxXXxxXXxx

Also, unlike _New Game Plus_, I actually know something about the language the characters ostensibly speak. As such, I give you…

Japanese: A Primer for the Semi-literate

The only real Japanese words I'll be using are in names (people and places) and 'Jutsu'. Jutsu means 'technique', so it's basically a catch-all term added to the end of every ninja magic trick used in _Naruto_. Anything else I use, I'll either provide a translation, or expect the reader to already know. Like 'taijutsu', what self-respecting _Naruto_ fanfiction reader doesn't know that?

In Japanese, family names are given before personal names. Referring to someone by their personal name implies closeness, disregard of etiquette, or being in close contact with people sharing the same last name.

In addition, honorifics are added to the end of a name, separated by a hyphen, to indicate the speaker's relationship to the speakee (spoken to?). Here's a short list.

-san: Respectful and polite, but not exactly what you'd use to speak to an emperor. You use this with people of similar status and age, strangers, and acquaintances.

-kun: More familiar. Used with classmates, students, the less-experienced, and friends.

-chan: A bit more complex. It's used to refer to the adorable, such as small children and pets. Can also be applied to inanimate objects. It also implies femininity, so it's really only applied to males in teasing or when they're young. Can be used to refer to any female at any age, though it implies closeness. Basically, it's kind of like a cute nickname.

-sama: Very respectful. It's like prefacing someone's name with 'Lord' or 'Most Honorable'. It canbe used in teasing, like calling someone "Master".

-dono: Even more respectful. Used when addressing the Emperor and other really important figures. Not really used in teasing.

-sempai/senpai: Used when speaking to person with more experience, like an upperclassman. '-senpai' is for female superiors.

-kohai: The opposite of '-sempai'. Used when speaking to those with less experience in your field.

-tan: Cute way of saying '-chan'.

-sensei: Used when speaking to a teacher. Can also be applied to doctors. It's also its own word, so someone can be referred to as just 'Sensei'.

Any new honorifics I decide to use will be mentioned in the chapter they appear, as well as appearing here in an update. Also, this gargantuan piece won't be showing up in future chapters.

xxXXxxXXxxXXxx

JESUS FUCK, THAT SMARTS! WHAT THE FUCK JUST HIT ME, A TRUCK!?

My memories filtered back grudgingly.

Oh. So I was. At least the groceries were saved. Now, where the fuck am I? Lying on the ground in some sort of park? Those are pretty big-ass trees, though. And equally big-ass braches.

Odd. I would've expected to be in a hospital. Or nowhere, if I died. But I can't be dead, I'm right here. Wherever I am. Eurgh.

I clawed my way to an upright position, barely noticing the rolled-up orange sleeves covering my forearms as I dealt with the agony racking my body. It felt as what I imagine swallowing lava would: intense burning in my core that radiated outwards until it reached my skin just weak enough to allow rational thought.

Pretty fucking painful, for those of you philistines who don't get imagery.

Anyway, I can deduce a couple things from my current state. First, I'm not dead. Second, with the orange jumpsuit, giant scroll plastered with 'Forbidden' (in kanji, no less. If I concentrate, I can see the actual writing, rather than the automatic translation), and the gigantic trees surrounding me, I would say I'm in _Naruto_. In the first episode, I believe, the one where Naruto (me, now) stole the Scroll because of Mizuki.

I'm not sure it this is a delusion caused by excessive morphine at the hospital, or an honest-to-god example of reincarnation, but I'm going to do my damnest to survive either way.

I'm adapting to this remarkably fast. Well, I suppose I'm either repressing an emotional response or just not that concerned about it. I'll bet on the former. Plus, wanting to live is a pretty healthy emotional response.

If I _am_ in _Naruto_ at the time I think I am, then Mizuki'll be by in a bit to take the scroll and kill me. I can't rely on Iruka to protect me like he did in the original series; that was almost entirely luck-based and I don't like plans that require a gamble to work.

Right, so the first order of business is to gather up the scroll and leave. Maybe I can trap it and leave, first? Or rip out the paper and hope Mizuki won't notice? I mean, his primary goal is to get the scroll and take it to Orochimaru, though that last part might just be fanon. I wasn't really a fan of the actual series, so almost all of my knowledge is derived from fanfiction of varying quality. Plus, my internet was crap and _Toonami_ only played one episode at a time. Some of those fights take _forever_.

Hey, the scroll's open. And not to the Shadow Clone Jutsu. Something called 'Bodily Modification Jutsu'. And there's now a burnt hole where the details were. That's Deus Ex Machina for you, keeping the Protagonist from knowing vital information pertaining to his or her circumstances.

Joy. Oh, I can't lift my feet. More joy.

Eh? What's this?

**How S.P.E.C.I.A.L. are you?**

Oh god, I'm not just in a SI fic, I'm in a videogame fic, too! Well, this is good news, in a way. The original Naruto was optimized entirely for close combat. Seeing as how I wasn't trained to become a vicious little killer from age 6, I would prefer something a little more ninjutsu and stealth heavy. And now, that build's just a few point modifications away.

Unfortunately, I know I'm destined for the shinobi life. No village, not even bleeding heart Konoha, would sacrifice their Jinchuuriki to a civilian life. But maybe, just maybe, I could weasel my way into a less-combative position. Like medic, that doesn't sound so bad. Or… I don't know, infiltrator.

I tapped the screen that hovered in front of me and silently groaned. It's not like _Fallout_ at all!

**Choose your ancestry.**

**Uzumaki**

Hmmm, I'm absolutely _stunned_ by the wealth of options. Didn't it take Naruto a couple hours or so to learn the Shadow Clone Jutsu? If so, assuming I've been unconscious for less than 1 hour and 45 minutes, I have plenty of time to choose my stats.

**Choose your stats.**

**Strength: 6****  
****Perception: 3****  
****Endurance: 10****  
****Charisma: 7****  
****Intelligence: 3****  
****Agility: 5****  
****Luck: 8****  
****Points: 0**

Wow. I… really? No explanation of what choosing Uzumaki did? Fuck you too, game.

Well, I was right. Canon Naruto was a bruiser whose primary advantages were his ridiculous stamina, good luck, sunny disposition, and above-average strength. Well, that's not the way I want to go.

Let's put everything back to balance. Eh, extra points? 3 of them. Hmmm…

I bet those came from the Uzumaki heritage. 2 to Endurance, 1 to Luck? Or maybe Charisma? I can only speculate, since I'm too lazy to see how low each stat can go. Well, those points'll some in handy.

Right, Intelligence to 9, definitely. More skill points, possibly better calculative ability, what's not to love? Plus, I like to roleplay smarties. And the extra point can either be added with a permanent bonus or Intense Training.

Take Charisma down to 1; if I need to make someone like me, Speech's more useful. And everyone already dislikes Naruto, right? Well, except for the Sandaime, Teuchi, and Ayame, who probably won't mind the new attitude, so long as I'm not a total ass to them. Oh, and Hinata, whose fangirl crush probably wouldn't survive my new attitude anyway. I don't dislike her, but it seems kind of bitchy to stalk a guy who would give anything for a bit of acknowledgement, especially if the reason for your stalking is because he never gives up. Then again, she _is_ 12, and pretty sheltered, besides. Eh, I'll judge her when I meet her.

Oh man, how am I gonna explain the personality change!? I can't act dopey and cheerful for 10 seconds without bursting out into laughter!

Gah, focus. Stat distribution is at hand.

Agility to 9. Speed is _everything_ to a shinobi. Well, GOOD shinobi; none of those 'I counter your flashy Jutsu with a bigger, flashier Jutsu!' shinobi. Like Naruto was. Is. Would be. Gah. And the Stealth bonus is appreciated.

That's 4 more points, right? I guess I'll evenly split them between Perception and Luck. Noticing shit and being lucky enough for it to be good, benign shit is excellent.

Ah, then again, Endurance'll probably add to my Chakra pool. And I would like to be able to pull off some of that crazy stuff Naruto did in the later chapters, or in some of the fanfics I read. And, well, bad stuff happens to Naruto regardless of how high his Luck was, apparently. So Luck only governs critical chance, which I hope to overcome with sneak attacks, and adds a small amount to every skill, which I can cover with my high Intelligence. So I'll put Endurance to 9 with points from Luck.

But Charisma will probably mean more in this game than it did in the previous _Fallout_ games. I mean, below 5 is fine, but 1? That's pretty much misanthropic right there. But where to pull points from…

I brought Charisma to 3 with 1 point from Strength and 1 point from Endurance.

**Choose your stats.**

**Strength: 4****  
****Perception: 7****  
****Endurance: 8****  
****Charisma: 3****  
****Intelligence: 9****  
****Agility: 9****  
****Luck: 3****  
****Points: 0**

Accept. Now, tagged skills, I presume.

**Choose your tagged skills.**

**Barter: 10****  
****Bukijutsu: 18****  
****Capacity: 20****  
****Control: 22****  
****Fuinjutsu: 22****  
****Genjutsu: 18****  
****Kenjutsu: 12****  
****Lockpicking: 18****  
****Medicine: 22****  
****Ninjutsu: 20****  
****Science: 22****  
****Sneak: 22****  
****Speech: 10****  
****Survival: 20****  
****Tactics: 22****  
****Taijutsu: 20****  
****Tags Left: 3****  
****Tags 0/3**

I love it when I'm right. What's science doing there, though? Isn't it used to hack computers? Gah, fuck it. I need stuff that'll help me survive Mizuki. Or help escape him.

I want Sneak, definitely. Sneak attacks are king, and avoiding fighting a chunin would be great. Tag.

What do these other skills do, though? Bukijutsu is what? I tapped the screen, to be rewarded with nothing. Damn.

Alright, all things considered, I have _amazing_ skills! I guess the trifecta of Intelligence, Endurance, and Agility gave me such high starting amounts in everything. Though my lower stats govern a lot of other things not on the list, like Carry Capacity and initial reaction modifiers.

Alright, Bukijutsu's obviously some shinobi thing. Capacity probably helps chakra capacity, while Control is chakra control. Science… I don't know why it's here. I guess as an actual skill that gives scientific knowledge, rather than something you use to hack computers.

Alright, what else to choose? Kenjutsu, while cool, relies on a weapon to be effective. Though I'm not sure if it's only swords or if it also covers things like hammers, scythes, staves, etc. I _am_ sure, however, that it doesn't cover ranged weapons; I bet that's what Bukijutsu's for. And I don't want to be a male Tenten clone. Plus, I lack the tools required for such a thing.

Ninjutsu? Maybe. Throwing fireballs is nice, and being better at it is nicer. Yet I have no clue how to throw, or even spit, fireballs. Possible tag.

Genjutsu? Nah. I'm not much for illusions, though being better at detecting them wouldn't be amiss.

Taijutsu? Hopefully, I won't have to engage in hand-to-hand. Being better at it if I have to would be nice, but I could just do that later with skill points. Plus, I think that no amount of skill points would help me beat someone who's more than likely 10 levels higher than me. Or even worse, considering my total lack of martial arts training or fighting experience.

Survival? Ah, but that's more for living off the land and creating shit from said land.

Tactics? I assume that's the ability to keep track of multiple opponents in a fight, and be able to create a plan of attack in said fight. While important, I don't think it's applicable to my immediate circumstances. I can use the time between now and when Mizuki arrives to form a plan of attack.

Capacity? I don't exactly have any Jutsu right now. Well, except for the Forbidden Scroll, full of mysterious, powerful Justus locked away by the Hokages of ages past. And Shadow Clone Jutsu. Tag.

Control? It would help me get more clones, and help in my further endeavors into the world of chakra-manipulation. Tag.

**Choose your tagged skills.**

**Barter: 10****  
****Bukijutsu: 18****  
****Capacity: 35 [ ]****  
****Control: 37 [ ]****  
****Fuinjutsu: 22****  
****Genjutsu: 18****  
****Kenjutsu: 12****  
****Lockpicking: 18****  
****Medicine: 22****  
****Ninjutsu: 20****  
****Science: 22****  
****Sneak: 37 [ ]****  
****Speech: 10****  
****Survival: 20****  
****Tactics: 22****  
****Taijutsu: 20****  
****Tags 3/3**

Accept. Now, to grab the scroll and find Shadow Clone Jutsu!

**Choose your traits. Some have already been selected and cannot be changed.**

**Built to Destroy****  
****Chakra Monster****  
****Control Freak****  
****Genius of Hard Work****  
****Good Natured****  
****It's Elemental****  
****Jinchuuriki of the Kyuubi [ ]****  
****Loner****  
****Persuasively Tactless****  
****Reckless Offensive****  
****Skilled****  
****Small Frame****  
****Warped Coils****  
****Way of the Samurai****  
****Tags 1/3**

Oh right, traits. I'll bet I already know what the Jinchuuriki one does, but what the hell, let's see it anyway. I tapped the screen. Nothing. Nothing? Wow, this game _hates_ to give away free information, doesn't it?

Well, I would assume the traits I recognize work in roughly the same way as they did in _New Vegas_. As for the ones I don't know, Way of the Samurai would do something to Kenjutsu. Warped Coils would make me like Lee, I imagine, while Genius of Hard work would… do something to Taijutsu? Or maybe it would be the opposite of Skilled? Chakra Monster and Control Freak are _definitely_ opposites, I know it, either increasing or decreasing Chakra Capacity and Chakra Control. It's Elemental would probably do something to elemental affinities, Reckless Offensive would probably lower defense for attack potential, and Persuasively Tactless does… something. I have no idea what.

I think I should only choose traits that I roughly know the bonuses and penalties of.

Loner? No, definitely not with Hatake "Never abandon your teammates" Kakashi.

Small Frame? I like more Agility. But it's already at 9… but this… can I go back? There's no BACK button, so I'm assuming no. Damn.

Good Natured? Well, I'm expecting to make use of every combat skill at some point, so I would like all points in their respective places, thanks.

Skilled? It's +5 to every skill in exchange for -10% Experience earned. I… well, my Endurance's already ridiculous, isn't it? So I would probably have more Health and Chakra than people several levels above me. I wouldn't be oneshotted, so my extra skill points would matter in a fight. Tag.

Built to Destroy? Well, I'm not planning on using much more than kunai and shuriken, which are disposable ninja tools carried in large amounts. Thus, I don't really care if my kunai breaks in combat, since I can just grab another one. On the other hand, the extra Critical Chance would be nice in open combat. Tag.

**Choose your traits. Some have already been selected and cannot be changed.**

**Built to Destroy [ ]****  
****Chakra Monster****  
****Control Freak****  
****Genius of Hard Work****  
****Good Natured****  
****It's Elemental****  
****Jinchuuriki of the Kyuubi [ ]****  
****Loner****  
****Persuasively Tactless****  
****Reckless Offensive****  
****Skilled [ ]****  
****Small Frame****  
****Warped Coils****  
****Way of the Samurai****  
****Tags 3/3**

Accept.

Ah, now I can move my feet. Let's just rush to the scroll and… I pause, almost tumbling to the ground. A thought occurs to me. Is there a Save/Load function? If there is, I would imagine it's voice activated.

"Ah, **Save**."

Nothing happened. Well, that's a bust.

**Game saved**

Or not! Hah, effective immortality, here I come! Orochimaru can blow me for all I care!

Now, to take the scroll and hide. After studying Shadow Clone Jutsu, of course.

xxXXxxXXxxXXxx

"Alright, Shadow Clone Jutsu!"

**Requirements: 50 Ninjutsu, 50 Capacity**

Okay, I have _no_ idea how Naruto managed this the first time. Last I checked, I only have those in the 20s and 30s. No clone spamming for me, it appears. Sigh. I even read through the section as carefully as possible!

Well, I can still get the fuck out of dodge, am I right? Just-

I collapsed on the ground, clutching at my back. It felt almost like a giant chunk of metal embedded itself in my lumbar region. Okay, just pull yourself up. GAH.

A foot crashed into my face.

"You've been one tricky brat to track down, you know. I think I'll kill you slowly, just to make me feel better."

Hah. Despite the agonizing pain, I grinned.

"Suck a dick. **Load**."

I heard a wild snarl before my world flashed to black.

xxXXxxXXxxXXxx

Damn, he's a pretty good tracker, to be able to find a Level 1 Genin running through the woods. Do I still remember the Shadow Clone Jutsu?

I searched desperately though my thoughts, only to find the handseal I remembered from the anime. Dammit, there goes my idea of reading though the scroll and remembering all the high powered Jutsu hidden in it. Then again, I do remember where the information was, if only because I can remember up until I started reading.

Okay, new plan. Only read through Shadow Clone Jutsu, then run like hell back to Konoha. I'll probably make it?

I picked up the Scroll and quickly rolled it up to where I needed, speed reading through the section. As I rushed through it, several of my former insights flashed back into consciousness. It felt pretty fucking weird. Apparently, there was more to the Jutsu than the handsign (shock). You needed to force a large amount of chakra through the handseal and, if you wanted decent clones, try to shape the released chakra into a body yourself. Otherwise, the chakra mass needed to form its own body, resulting in stupid clones. Oh, that's probably what Naruto did, come to think of it.

**Mass Shadow Clone Jutsu learned.**

Oh. So that _is_ what he did. Nice. But I want intelligent clones, not mindless berserkers. Just finish the section quickly and run.

**Shadow Clone Jutsu learned.**

Alright, RUN!

I sprinted through the trees. At ground level, I'm not confident in my ability to jump from branch to branch.

Within 5 minutes, I started wondering about how easily I was adapting to all this. Even though I wasn't very attached to my family and friendly acquaintances (they weren't friends, really), I still kind of miss them. I suppose I'm treating this as a kind of game, almost. Well, it is. I'm just not going to be able to go home after the game ends. If it ends. Sigh.

Well, maybe if I win I'll go home?

But how do I win?

Hmm…

Become Hokage is my best guess. Oh, and also defeat Orochimaru, Akatsuki, Pain, Madara/Obito, and the Juubi. Sigh. I might never do that with my current skill set. Then again, everyone expects Jinchuuriki to be these frontliners who power though obstacles with grit and their Bijuu's chakra. So, as a probable assassin build, I'll take everyone by surprise. Well, until my preferences become known.

My thoughts were cut off when yet another pointy bit of metal took up residence in my spine.

"Heh. Thanks for running right to me. Let me guess, you realized this was a trick and hoped that by returning the Scroll, you'd be forgiven?"

It might just be my bias shining through, but I'm sure Mizuki's voice sounded like he was intentionally making it deeper for dramatic effect

"Oi, Sensei."

The effort of keeping an even tone was worth it. I'm pretty sure my fairly calm voice made him pause, not my words.

"Go back to your mistress and cry into her leather corset. **Load**."

I heard another snarl of rage before my world went to black.

xxXXxxXXxxXXxx

Alright, do I have a Menu of some kind?

"**Menu**."

Holy shit, I do.

**Naruto: The Game**

**SAVE****  
****LOAD****  
****OPTIONS****  
****MAIN MENU**

Alright, OPTIONS. I'll explore MAIN MENU later, when I'm not in imminent danger.

**OPTIONS**

**Difficulty: Hard****  
****Subtitles: NO****  
****Language: ENGLISH****  
****ACCEPT BACK**

Alright, change difficulty to Easy. Oh, it won't let me change it. WHY THE FUCK DO YOU PUT IT HERE, THEN?!

Subtitles are a no, I think. They're distracting, and I can understand the language just fine.

Thus, leave Language at ENGLISH.

ACCEPT. Now, what can I do regarding Mizuki? If I run away, he assumes I realized how transparent his story was and attacks me immediately. If I stay here… Iruka finds me right after Mizuki does. Then saves me from that damn mondo-shuriken.

Alright, I'll just sit here, study the scroll, and let this play out similarly to canon.

xxXXxxxXXxxXXxx

Ugh, useless. Almost every Jutsu in here requires hard-to-find reagents or a bloodline to function. I've learned about several new bloodlines that used to exist in Konoha, but none of them are very pertinent to my situation. For example, there used to be some people who could use a bastardized version of Dead Bone Pulse, but they were killed by bounty hunters because they were psychopathic idiots who had a deluded sense of grandeur.

"Ah, Naruto-kun. You did it. Give me the scroll, then demonstrate your Jutsu, would you?"

Ah, Mizuki, you stupid bitch. Unfortunately, I don't know how to make explosive tags, so I couldn't stuff them in the Scroll. I pulled myself to my feet and dragged the Scroll in his direction. He seemed to sense something was off, maybe my expression, judging by the look on his face.

"Naruto-kun, don't listen to him!" And here's the cavalry I wish I didn't need. "He's trying to trick you!"

Thanks, Iruka. I needed that. I really did.

"You're too late, Iruka-kun! Did you really expect me to come unprepared?"

Not even trying to deny it, huh?

Mizuki threw that mondo-shuriken at me with a wicked sidearm, crossing the distance between us in less than half a second. Fortunately, I have a mobile human shield who, despite being perfectly capable of catching it, decides to take it in the back and spit blood on my face.

… I'm pretty nonchalant about this. Is this shock or a hidden sociopathy rising to the surface?

Either way, I seemingly took Iruka's advice and ran, but instead hid behind the first large tree I rounded. Why? Well, I could retry this at any time, so why not play a little risky? If he doesn't find me, I can pop out and head back to Konoha with Iruka on my shoulder.

"Hmph. As expected of the dead last."

So that name _is_ canon! Or, used here, at any rate.

"Yep! **Load**."

This time, there was no rage howl as I faded to black.

xxXXxxXXxxXXxx

Hmm… alright, Mizuki's not as incompetent as he was in canon. I wonder what else's different. Eh, I don't exactly have time to wonder about it right now.

I need to get to studying the Scroll, then try a different plan. Maybe I could charge Mizuki and stab him when he gets overconfident?

Sounds good.

xxXXxxXXxxXXxx

Alright, I got him! But then he got me back, with interest. Probably the closest to death I've gotten before Loading.

Hmm…

I absentmindedly rolled the Scroll open, speed reading through the sections that seem familiar and slowing down when I hit something new.

What else could I try… relying on canon? Ah, but that only worked because Naruto had that ridiculous ability to make over 100 Shadow Clones. I can't even make 1. And there's nothing in the Scroll so far that is even remotely usable other than Shadow Clone Jutsu.

Perhaps I could scare him away? Pretend to be the Kyuubi? Nah, I couldn't pull off the Killing Intent, nor do I think that would do anything other than make him kill me faster.

Still, it's worth a shot, I guess.

xxXXxxXXxxXXxx

I was right about Mizuki's reaction, unfortunately. Still, I distinctly remember getting about a quarter of the way through the Scroll. At this rate, it'll only take about a dozen more restarts to finish it. Well, more, since I'll have to skim through all the previous material.

Yay me.

It seems kind of small, though. Maybe it's the not-totally-restricted stuff that's here, and the Edo-Tensei shit's in a more heavily guarded location. That makes Naruto's theft easier to understand and believe. They should name it the Kinda-Forbidden Scroll.

Let's skip farther in to where I left off earlier; maybe I'll find something in there that I can actually _use_.

xxXXxxXXxxXXxx

Irritatingly, I was so wrapped up in the Scroll I didn't have a plan when Mizuki arrived. And that was the longest time I lasted, too!

I'm fairly sure I didn't find anything I could use, as I don't remember doing anything but running (Mizuki has low Agility, it seems). Still, it couldn't hurt to double check. After that, I figure out what to do to Mizuki.

…

Hmm, nope. Nothing. Damn. Alright, what can I do this time? Well… I could preempt the entire conversation. It would only take several tries before I had their responses down flat, and it might put him off balance enough to attack sloppily. Then, Iruka and I could take him down though teamwork.

Alright, let's give it a shot.

xxXXxxXXxxXXxx

Alright, Mizuki's here. Number 16's the lucky charm! Remembering the exact wording's a _bitch_.

"Ah, Naruto-kun. You did it. Give me the scroll, then demonstrate your Jutsu, would you?" I intoned monotonously.

Mizuki stopped short and stared at me before smiling winningly.

"How observant of you to guess my next words." I parroted.

His face twisted into a scowl as he opened his mouth.

"Stop that," I kept a blank expression, despite the amusement I got from this, "Give me th- STOP DOING THAT!"

It took a lot of effort to shout without making a face, but I managed it. And here's Iruka.

"Naruto-kun, don't listen to him!" I yelled tonelessly.

Iruka stopped again, staring at me, before speaking slowly and enunciating carefully.

"Mizuki is a traitor who-," I cut off for Mizuki's interruption.

"Give me the scroll!" I copied while simultaneously rolling away from the mondo-shuriken. It was easy to avoid when the almost exact same throw was made each time.

This kicked Iruka into gear, who engaged Mizuki in Taijutsu. Unfortunately, it seemed Mizuki was the more physically-oriented shinobi, as he was slowly but surely thrashing Iruka. I threw some kunai at him, but that only distracted him momentarily from the fight. Still, it was enough to keep them on an even keel for several minutes.

Here was the stalling point. Either Iruka died in the fight, or I killed myself trying to help. Iruka needed my assistance to win, yet doing much more than throwing kunai led to my death. It was frustrating, as one can imagine.

I could just run away from the fight with the Scroll, but there weren't any shinobi out here to help. Either that or they just didn't notice the pretty vicious fight going on here. And I wasn't willing to let Iruka die, not when I could save him.

Tricky, tricky…

You know, I never looked in the Inventory, did I?

"**Inventory**."

**Inventory**

**[Weapons] Armors Jutsu Consumables Misc**

**12 Kunai**

Oh, right. Jutsu. I feel like an idiot, I've been playing like a civilian all this time. Then again, all I have are the Clone, Replacement, and Disguise Jutsu. Well, those and whatever the hell I got from the Forbidden Scroll.

I paged over to Jutsu and let the library wash over me.

**Inventory**

**Weapons Armors [Jutsu] Consumables Misc**

**Clone Jutsu****  
****Disguise Jutsu****  
****Replacement Jutsu****  
****Shadow Clone Jutsu****  
****Mass Shadow Clone Jutsu**

Wow, nothing else? Everything I've been reading was for my own benefit? Fuck you, too.

Can I replace myself with either of the combatants? I… I think that'll just get me killed. And Disguise Jutsu won't do shit. Perhaps I could rush him with clones while throwing kunai at the prick? It would make him pay more attention to me so he could dodge the projectiles that he can't see. Maybe it'll allow Iruka to get some good hits in.

Ah, that feels weird. Oh hello, red metal spike. How are you?

Mizuki panted before spitting at me, "I don't know why you were stopping here, but I guess it's my lucky day!"

I turned around and literally spat in his face.

"Go die in a house fire. **Load**."

Snarl of rage, fade to black, the works.

xxXXxxXXxxXXxx

"Give me the scroll!"

I stopped my repetition dodged the weapon toss, noting that it was a bit wilder than it was previously. I guess my impersonation's working better?

Iruka led with a fist that was absorbed the Mizuki's block before the melee began in earnest. I ran my hand through the short handseal sequence a few times before actually channeling chakra.

Nothing happened. Oh, I bet I need to do voice commands again. Better whisper, then.

"Clone Jutsu."

Three doppelgangers popped into existence with a puff of smoke and ran their way toward Mizuki. I guess my intentions at the time of creation guide their subsequent actions.

"Clone Jutsu. Clone Jutsu."

I did it twice more, then waited until the first wave reached Mizuki. His arms were in a block, but he whipped one fist around to throw a brace of regular shuriken at them. I countered with a couple kunai.

Unfortunately, he managed to stop them, but they still dug into his arm rather painfully, allowing Iruka to get in a few hits.

The rest of the fight was rather lackluster, with my throwing kunai hidden by the clones and Iruka landing some pretty nasty blows that eventually knocked Mizuki out. Iruka then whipped out some wire and tied up the comatose body with efficient movements.

"Yay, we did it!"

It would look far too out of character if I didn't have some whimsy. Plus, I ACTUALLY DID IT! It took over 20 restarts, but I finally did it! Oh, what's this?

**Quest completed**

Oh, right. That was probably a quest. And I beat him!

**Level up!**

Cool. I'll just put that off, for now.

"Na-ru-to." Uh oh, I don't like that tone, "WHAT WERE YOU THINKING!"

"Gah, lemme go. Child molesting pervert!"

He sprang off me pretty quickly and peered into my eyes.

"Are you feeling alright, Naruto-kun? Mizuki's just knocked out."

Ah shit, he's suspicious. Better think of something fast.

"Who're you?"

Faked amnesia: 66% of the time, it works every time.

xxXXxxXXxxXXxx

**Just a little plot bunny that wouldn't go away while I was writing **_**New Game Plus**_**. I'll probably continue it, but reviews would expedite the process. Anyway, to preempt some questions…**

**Yes, save scumming will be both prevalent and necessary. Canon's going to be often used, for reasons to be explained later. Suffice to say, my Naruto's going to face situations that the canon version faced, but at a higher difficulty and with a build completely opposite of canon Naruto. He had such trouble kicking Mizuki's ass because he had no Shadow Clones, unlike original Naruto.**

**No, I'm not going to work out every little kink in how to translate character abilities into game statistics. Just know that a jonin with a Strength of 1 would be able to overpower Naruto just through the level difference. And that Naruto's never going to become another Lee.**

**Yes, yes he is remarkable blasé about this, thank you for noticing. Not only am I currently unable to write convincing angst, he's also holding off emotional reactions until after this is over. Or he's in a place where he isn't feeling watched, whichever comes first.**

**Naruto's Stats**

**Strength: 4  
Perception: 7  
Endurance: 9  
Charisma: 3  
Intelligence: 9  
Agility: 9  
Luck: 3**

**Barter: 15  
Bukijutsu: 23  
Capacity: 57  
Control: 21  
Fuinjutsu: 27  
Genjutsu: 23  
Kenjutsu: 17  
Lockpicking: 23  
Medicine: 27  
Ninjutsu: 27  
Science: 27  
Sneak: 42  
Speech: 15  
Survival: 27  
Tactics: 27  
Taijutsu: 27**

**And, yes, I know these're different from what it is in the chapter. The trait bonuses weren't calculated, yet. His Control was really shot, though.**


	2. Nice Apartment, Hard Tests

**Another chapter. Not much else to say, except that I updated the previous chapter's lovely Inventory screen with the Consumables section.**

**Oh, right, now I remember. I'm rather disappointed in you all. No one picked up on the Anchorman reference? Or did you consider it so obvious that it didn't need to be mentioned in a review? Ah, now I'm confused.**

**serialkeller: In defense of my first story, Jee-Han gets a lot calmer later on, when I got a handle over the humor. Though, yeah, Naruto's going to be more social than Jee-Han, because he hasn't had a decade of himself as company.**

**Kumoatsu: He did tag Control, it's just that the trait Jinchuuriki of the Kyuubi destroyed it. Halved it, in fact. On the other hand, Capacity was pushed to ridiculous levels for a Level 1 Genin.**

**SighDuck: I'll try to at least explain what each stat does, or what Naruto thinks it does.**

**greed11: I don't think I've ever seen a Naruto story feature the blatant abuse of a Save/Load system, so I figured I'd be the first.**

**Abel Sephaos: That a challenge? 'Cause, if so, I am legally obligated to warn you… I'll lose. In all seriousness, if my story motivates you to continue writing, I'll consider that a win.**

**Guest/mahadx: Ask and ye shall receive. Though I have to ask, are you the same person?**

xxXXxxXXxxXXxx

Dialog Cheat Sheet

_Emphasis_

**Game Text if centered**

**[Activating game ability]**

SHOUTING

Cutting someone o- short

*sound effect*

_Written word if centered_

xxXXxxXXxxXXxx

"Don't remember me? Naruto-kun, it's me, Iruka-sensei. You know, the one who caught you after all your pranks?" Iruka said worriedly.

Ah man, I feel kind of guilty about this. Well, I can't replicate Naruto's personality, nor do I think I can explain the sudden attitude change without drastic measures. Like faking amnesia.

"I'm guessing Naruto's my name? Who the fuck would name their son 'fishcake'?"

I always wondered that. I suppose it was a pun about Naruto's favorite food. While I enjoyed ramen packs back home, I never considered it the height of fine dining. Then again, I've never eaten at a ramen bar, so perhaps I should give it a chance.

"Watch your language. You… you really don't remember, do you?" Iruka sighed and slumped over before realizing his injuries, "Alright, I'm pretty beat up, so help me back to Konoha, would you? Hokage-sama's looking for you, so I need to be there to vouch for you."

Alright, seems reasonable. After Iruka made a handsign for a few moments and clipped a small marker on Mizuki's clothes (some way for others to find his body), we tried to find a way for me to support him. It took a few false starts, but I found that just letting him lean on my shoulder, with my other shoulder holding onto the Forbidden Scroll via the strap, was enough to let us set off. After a few minutes of walking, Iruka suddenly spoke up.

"Good job with the clones, by the way. Why didn't you do them that way earlier?"

I shrugged and he seemed to realize the faux pas.

"Oh, right. Well, you probably want to know a bit about yourself, don't you? Well, what do you remember, for starters?"

Hmm… what to say… I think a bit of basic background knowledge, plus something about that Body Modification Jutsu to explain the changes in physical and mental abilities.

"Well, I know we're in the Elemental Countries; that I live in a village of shinobi, who're basically mercenaries with a conscience; and that I did something called 'Body Modification Jutsu' before passing out. The next thing I know, I'm waking up in the middle of a forest with no idea who I am."

I got the sense Iruka stared at me for a moment before chuckling.

"Well, that makes things a bit easier, I suppose. You are Uzumaki Naruto, an academy student who aspires to become a shinobi, then Hokage. You enjoy ramen and pranking, but dislike studying. I am your sensei, Umino Iruka."

I made a noise of agreement before hustling a bit faster. Maybe I could ask about jutsu? It would be in character, and would also give me some information not based off fanfic rules.

"Those clones were created by a 'jutsu', right? And that is…"

A blatant fish for information.

"Oh. Jutsu are what shinobi use to accomplish their missions. They create an energy inside their bodies called 'chakra', then manipulate it with their will and specific hand positions to create an effect. These can range from creating elaborate illusions, shooting lightning bolts, or summoning battle creatures."

An effective fish, it seems.

"Oh. And I suppose those three jutsu I know are pretty basic?" Not that I don't already know this, but I need to not act suspiciously. Well, suspicious in an unexplainable way.

Iruka nodded. Or so I think, "Yeah, they should be. The Academy 3. Do you really not remember anything other than this?"

"Nope," I shrugged, "I mean, I know the language, what ramen is, that the indefinite integral of X is half of X squared plus C, but not much else besides that stuff."

A babble of noise came out of Iruka's mouth before he regained his composure.

"You know Calculus? Ah, this is confusing."

I hummed in agreement. We didn't speak for the rest of the trip to the Hokage's office. I think I unnerved Iruka a tad with the silent treatment.

xxXXxxXXxxXXxx

We were ushered in to the Hokage's office rather quickly and with a minimum of nasty glares. I applaud the chunin secretary's professionalism and deride his haircut. Really, a mohawk?

"Ah, Naruto-kun, Iruka-kun, please come in."

Sarutobi Hiruzen, the Third Hokage, veteran of the Third Shinobi War and all-around Badass Grandpa. Right now, he's more Grandpa than Badass, with his wrinkled, tan face showing a congenial expression. That makes me kind of leery of a radical personality switch. That Hokage hat can hide a lot, after all, with its giant pyramid body and veils hanging on either side.

"Now," Ah, here's the personality shift, "Naruto-kun, care to tell me why you stole the Forbidden Scroll?"

Though nothing really changed in his tone, posture, or expression, the room darkened. Even though I'm pretty sure it's an illusion, this damn 12-year-old's body is shivering in fear. My mind, on the other hand, is completely unaffected. An impenetrable Bastille against terror it is.

"H-hey, you're Hokage-sama, right?"

I wanted to get the 'amnesia' out of the way as soon as possible. The aura Sarutobi gave off dwindled as he stared at me for an uncomfortably long couple seconds. Finally, his face returned to its calm façade.

"You really don't remember me, do you?"

I suppose being the most powerful shinobi in Konoha allows you to tell when a kid's lying. Or at least think so.

"I have basic background memories. And Umino-sensei over there filled me in on my name, status, and what the hell a jutsu is," I jabbed a thumb at the injured chunin beside me.

Sarutobi's expression didn't flicker a bit, though he did light his pipe a bit more quickly than I would think he had to.

"So, what caused this miraculous amnesia?"

Right, now for the justification for my behavior.

"The last thing I remember is finding a jutsu called 'Body Modification Jutsu' in the Forbidden Scroll. The next thing I know, I'm waking up in the middle of a forest. When I looked at the Scroll again, the section about the jutsu was burned out."

The Hokage grew pensive and seemed to twitch the pipe in his mouth for a few moments.

"I recall that jutsu," He began gravely, "I remember Tobimara-sensei finding and subsequently transcribing it into the Scroll. Neither he, nor the First were able to determine its function, as the seal portion seemed to be tuned to a specific person. Why would it be in this Forbidden Scroll, though? Much less be able to affect you?"

So my multiple Scrolls theory was correct. His brows knitted together before relaxing.

"I suppose amnesia was a side effect of the jutsu being used on a close match of the target. Or the intent. I suppose, as long as you are well, it doesn't matter. Now, do either of you know why Naruto-kun here stole the Scroll?"

Ah, the scary aura came back. Not nearly as strong, but enough to make Iruka spit out an answer without hesitation.

"He was tricked into it! Well, I think; Mizuki was trying to convince Naruto-kun to give him the Scroll and demonstrate his jutsu, when Naruto-kun started copying his words."

"Copying, Iruka-kun?" Interrupted the Hokage.

"Oh. I'm not sure how Naruto-kun did it, but he was able to guess Mizuki's words so accurately that Mizuki flew into a rage and attacked him."

Sarutobi just hummed and made a subtle hand gesture to go on.

"Anyway, Mizuki was always better than me at combat, but Naruto-kun turned the tide by cleverly using some clones to disguise thrown kunai. They didn't debilitate him, but it was enough to let me knock him out and tie him up. I sent up a chakra flare at the location and tagged Mizuki, so he should be in T&I's custody right now."

A slow nod was given before Sarutobi spoke up kindly.

"That's enough for now. I expect a detailed report on my desk when you recover. ANBU, escort Iruka-kun here to the hospital."

A black figure clapped a hand on Iruka's shoulder before vanishing in a puff of smoke and leaves. I'm not sure if that's the Body Flicker, but it's pretty badass either way. Then the Hokage turned to me.

"Do you really not remember me, Naruto-kun?"

There was a hint of sadness in his tone, behind the grandfatherly concern. He must not be the evil, manipulative bastard some fanfics make him out to be if he's so emotional about this. From what I remember, the guy was pretty stoic in canon, so this hint of emotion must be big. That, or he's using all of his prowess to lie to a little kid.

"Ah, sorry Hokage-sama. I take it you and I were close?"

Sarutobi just nodded and sighed deeply.

"He was like a grandson to me. I… I don't expect you to consider me in the same light, but I would like to get to know you again, Naruto-kun."

I… I'd like that, actually. Getting the Hokage's ear would be nice, and, well, he seemed like a pretty nice guy in the series. I'm probably not going to see him as a grandfather, but, well, having someone I care about here would be nice. I'm hardly likely to bond with the class of 12-year-olds, after all.

Eh, I'll just come in to say hi and chat a bit every so often. If I do actually form a bond with him, good for me for being such a social butterfly. If not, I can say I didn't reject him out of hand.

"It would be nice to know someone who knew about me in the past, I suppose."

Sarutobi smiled widely. Well, wider than I've ever seen him in the series. It was actually kind of small by other people's standards.

"What am I supposed to do, though? I have no idea where I live and I don't know where the Academy is."

His smile faded and he lightly scratched his chin.

"Well, I have your address here somewhere, I think. If not, I can request it from Tsubume-kun. I'm not sure what you know about your career, but you were training to become a shinobi and eventually Hokage. You failed the graduation test, though. With your amnesia, I'm not even sure how much of what was taught to you has remained. I'm afraid that, unless you wish to retake the academy, you can't become a shinobi."

I frowned. This wasn't according to plan. His reasoning was sound, though. Who would make an amnesiac a child soldier? But I _need_ this; if I'm not a shinobi, I'll probably be recruited into Danzo's Root organization. And, if I'm right, the Hokage can't do anything about it unless there's direct proof. Or he could just not investigate my disappearance very hard, meaning he's quietly accepting the illegal organization.

"Well, what're the requirements for graduation? I was pretty handy with those kunai back fighting Mizuki, and I think I've retained the jutsu I was taught in the Academy. I remember the Clone Jutsu, at any rate."

His eyes met mine as he considered something.

"Well, the graduation test is fairly basic. It is composed of a written test, followed by a physical spar, throwing weapons at a target, and a demonstration of the Academy's 3 jutsu. You can fail one portion of the exam and still pass if the other tests are satisfactory."

Huh. I nodded and frowned. I definitely had the jutsu demonstration down, high Control is amazing. And I could probably scrape a pass in the weapon throwing portion. Though my Science is kind of low, my high Intelligence should net another pass. Or something better than a total bomb, at least. It's the spar that worries me; my Agility and Endurance are great, but the low Taijutsu and Strength mean I can take hits or avoid them, but not dish them out.

"Well, why not retest me, then? Give me a bit to nip home and grab some equipment, then some back here or to the Academy for the retake."

Sarutobi puffed his pipe a few times before nodding briefly.

"That seems reasonable. Come to the Academy in 2 hours, I'll have found someone to test you by then."

I grinned and jumped up. I'm not sure if it's a repressed part of my personality or a holdover from old Naruto, but I'm a lot more excitable right now.

"Thanks, Hokage-sama! Oh, uh, you have a map?"

He blinked in shock before rapidly shuffling through his desk for several moments. With a small flourish, he handed a crisp-looking traveler's map to me, according to the label on the front.

"A map design I approved for the Chunin Exams coming up. I never gave it back and they haven't asked for it," He said with a grin, "You live right here, apartment 4-1. The Academy is already marked."

He dotted a place on the map with a pencil he got from somewhere. It seemed fairly close to the tower, definitely not in a red light district. Unless a red light district was near the Hokage Tower. I matched his grin and took the precious paper from his hands.

"Later, Hokage-sama!"

xxXXxxXXxxXXxx

Wow, I am bad at map reading. It took almost half an hour to find the place. Though, in my defense, the streets were tiny and I suspect the map itself wasn't the most accurate thing around. It was going to be given to foreign visitors, after all. Showing other villages how to get around easily wouldn't be the smartest move.

The apartment was in an empty complex. The keys (I didn't ask for them because I didn't think of asking. I guess Sarutobi knew I had them on my person) were in one of my pockets, not that the lock looked like it would keep out more than a strong breeze. Lowest bidder construction bullshit's here, too?

Stepping in to the apartment, I was overwhelmed with how… decent it looked. It wasn't good, actually kind of crappy, but I'd seen much worse. It was big and reasonably neat, so it really didn't matter to me. The kitchen (also containing a table and chair) was off to the right, with the living room ahead of me. Behind the ratty living room's couch and small TV were two doors, each on the same wall but opposite sides. I'm guessing those were the bedroom and bathroom.

I dashed through the door on the right, only to burst back out and go through the other door in a more sedate manner. The bedroom (I found the bathroom the first time) was small. A single bed was against the far wall, with a dresser and cabinet on the left and enough floor space for a small rug, if there was one. The entire room was painted an eye-watering orange, though. I'm guessing that was Naruto's handiwork.

Right, I bet the ninja tools are in the cabinet.

xxXXxxXXxxXXxx

And so they were. I popped some bread in the toaster, since I don't remember eating anything this morning. To be specific, I don't remember ever eating breakfast, but this body's telling me I didn't. Thus, a quick snack preparation while I explored my stats.

**Status**

**[Stats] Skills Perks Reputation Misc**

**Uzumaki Naruto**

**HP: 280/280 CP: 850/850  
Level: 1  
EXP: 1125/1000**

**Strength: 4  
Perception: 7  
Endurance: 9  
Charisma: 3  
Intelligence: 9  
Agility: 9  
Luck: 3**

**Level up?**

Alright, My Endurance went up by 1. Probably from Jinchuuriki of the Kyuubi. I'm almost afraid to see what effect that had on my skills. I still need to, unfortunately.

**Status**

**Stats [Skills] Perks Reputation Misc**

**Uzumaki Naruto**

**Barter: 15  
Bukijutsu: 23  
Capacity: 57  
Control: 21  
Fuinjutsu: 27  
Genjutsu: 23  
Kenjutsu: 17  
Lockpicking: 23  
Medicine: 27  
Ninjutsu: 27  
Science: 27  
Sneak: 42  
Speech: 15  
Survival: 27  
Tactics: 27  
Taijutsu: 27**

Oh wow, Control was shot to hell. It was almost at 40, you bastard game! Still, Capacity jumped up to 57, so it's not all bad. Alright, what do I need for passing the test?

Taijutsu. I need Taijutsu to be pretty high to compensate for my lack of fighting experience or formal training. I guess I'll throw the rest in Bukijutsu. Hopefully, I don't need that high a score to make a pass there. The written exam will probably be all about Intelligence and Science, which are pretty good. I mean, not everyone is a genius at written exams. And the Academy 3… what about the Academy 3? Can I even do them all? If not, I'll dump some points in Control or Ninjutsu, whichever.

I closed the Status screen and tried them.

"Clone Jutsu."

The three clones popped into existence perfectly. Just like the last time I did it. Why'd I test this one again?

"Alright, Disguise Jutsu."

I caught a look in the toaster's shiny cover, and I was indeed another person. Similar to my old appearance, actually, with stringy brown hair and a slightly pudgy belly. I guess that form was taken because I've been using it all my life and didn't have another one in mind.

"Sweet. Replacement Jutsu."

I can kind of feel the fabric of space twist and writhe thanks to the jutsu, I think. Still, whatever happened, I failed to replace myself with anything. I guess I need a clear idea of what to swap with before actually performing the jutsu.

Alright. I focused on the chair right in front of me and slowly went through the handseals.

"Replacement Jutsu."

This time, I successfully swapped places, rather than drag the chair over to my position and then take its place like I've read about. Though my disguise disappeared when I performed the switch, it was really only a layer of chakra manipulated to emit light to match the colors of something, I believe. I'm not positive on the details of it, but I'm pretty sure that's what it felt like. Anyway, now that I can do all the jutsu necessary, let's allocate stat points!

Wait… hold the phone… I can save scum the Exam! All I need to do is go out there and see what exactly I need to pass the Genin Exam, then I can reload, Level up, and assign any spare points to Control.

Now, one thing I should do beforehand is adjust my equipment. When I raided the cupboard back in the bedroom all the contents went into my Inventory. Unfortunately, I'm pretty sure it was all crap, except for an extra pouch.

"**Inventory**."

**Inventory**

**[Weapons] Armors Jutsu Consumables Misc**

**2 Kunai [ ]  
16 Poor Kunai  
15 Poor Shuriken**

See what I mean? _Poor_ Kunai and _Poor_ Shuriken. The pouch would be in armors, I think. I wish I had more decent kunai, though. Damn Mizuki and his surprising competence.

**Inventory**

**Weapons [Armors] Jutsu Consumables Misc**

**Black Tee [ ]  
Goggles [ ]  
Orange Jacket [ ]  
Orange Pants [ ]  
****Small Kunai Pouch [ ]  
Small Shuriken Pouch**

Alright, just equip that. I suppose the pouches are two separate items because the internal straps to hold everything is different. And then what? Maybe I could go back to weapons and equip some shuriken? And swap to the poor kunai so I don't run out so quickly?

**Inventory**

**[Weapons] Armors Jutsu Consumables Misc**

**2 Kunai  
12 Poor Kunai [ ]  
4 Poor Kunai  
15 Poor Shuriken [ ]**

I guess a shuriken pouch can hold more than a kunai pouch. Understandable, since they're much smaller than a kunai and the pouches are the same size. Now, to save.

"**Menu**."

**Naruto: The Game**

**SAVE****  
****LOAD****  
****OPTIONS****  
****MAIN MENU**

SAVE.

**SAVE**

**SLOT 1: Empty**

Oh, so apparently, what I did before was the Quicksave. Well, I'll just put this save in SLOT 1.

**Save Name?**

Name? Uh, 'Before Re-taking Genin Exam'.

Alright, toast's ready. Now where's that damn map; I need to get a head start on finding the Academy.

xxXXxxXXxxXXxx

After several false turns, I gave up and asked a passerby where the Academy was. I received a short point, presumably in the right direction, and reciprocated with a cheery thanks just to fuck with the guy's head. I'm not sure if I succeeded but I'd like to think I just made him question his place in the universe.

I suppose the only thing that matters is that I arrived at the Academy with half an hour to spare. A tired-looking kunoichi with dark-ish hair and a chunin vest was waiting by the entrance.

"Uzumaki-san? This way, please," She said in a clipped tone.

Having no real idea what else to do, I decided to follow her. She led me through a rather confusing maze of corridors until we came to a nondescript classroom. After we arrived, she stalked off mumbling something.

**Perception 7/8  
FAIL**

So there're actual checks? Even on stuff as simple as this? Hah, what a fucking odd game.

Opening the door, I saw another chunin with a pretty nasty case of bedhead and a burn scar on his right cheek. He pointed at a stack of papers lying on a desk right in front of the teacher's desk. I assume this is the exam, so I might as well get started.

Alright, what's on this test?

_What was the name of the first Hokage?_

… I think his name was Hiroshima? What was the family name, though?

**Intelligence 9/4  
PASS  
+40 EXP**

Oh, Senju _Hashirama_, not Hiroshima. These Intelligence checks'll save my bacon on the exam.

_A comrade has suffered several deep cuts caused by a Kirigakure kunai. After finishing the Kiri shinobi in an intense fight, he looks to you for medical attention. How do you treat him?_

Fuck, I'm not a doctor. Oh yeah, skills.

**Intelligence 9/6  
PASS  
+60 EXP**

Well, Kirigakure's known for their prowess with assassination, so it's probable the kunai was poisoned.

**Medicine 27/30  
FAIL**

… And I've got no fucking clue. Disinfect and bandage the wound? Alright, so I need Medicine now. Not bad, it's only 3 points.

_Name the components of an explosive tag._

Ah god, what are they? Oh shit, put in some kind of antivenom! That needs to go in the last question! Can I go back?

…

Apparently I can't even lift my head. Fucking game.

**Fuinjutsu 27/35  
FAIL**

Okay, that's 2 FAILs so far. What was this question even about, again? I got kind of sidetracked by the fact that low skills can _counter common sense_.

_What are the 12 basic handsigns used in most jutsu?_

**Ninjutsu 27/25**

**PASS**

**+25 EXP**

The zodiac animals. Oh thank god, I thought it was certain I'd flunk the test. Now it's only likely.

xxXXxxXXxxXXxx

Well, I flunked that test. I'm pretty sure I only got a 50% at best. It's galling, to say the least. Ah well, I can boost a bunch of skills with my level up to pass that 100 question monster. And, if I get those right, it'll probably give me enough EXP to level up again! I'll need it, that test worked almost every skill I have except for Barter, and Speech. Even Taijutsu! I'm not sure I can boost every tested skill to 35, the highest checks, though.

"Come with me."

Ah, Burned Man, how nice to see you. Put a bell on, why don't you?

I was led outside to a small circle of dirt with yet _another_ chunin, a man with reddish hair and an eye patch, waiting in the middle. I guess this is the taijutsu test?

"No weapons aside from your body, no jutsu, and the spar stops when he says so," The piratical chunin said, pointing to Burned Man.

So he's going to be the examiner? Alright, he doesn't seem too tough. I pulled my fists up and took a loose stance… I have almost no idea what I'm doing.

My opponent smirked and shuffled his feet into a wider position… He looks like he knows what he's doing.

At Burned Man's shout of 'begin', Pirate (it fits) lunged towards me at a pretty quick clip. Thanks to my Agility of 9, I managed to react to it, I just had no idea what to do other than throw my arms up in a block.

His fist tore through my hasty defense, but I tanked the hit for a shot to his belly. When my punch impacted his stomach, it felt like hitting a brick wall. He sprang back and eyed me speculatively for a moment, allowing me to evaluate him. Pirate seemed to be a taijutsu-focused chunin, judging by the hits he gave me. He's a lot stronger and a bit faster, but I'll bet I have more stamina. So my best bet's to wear him out.

This time, when he attacked, it was pushing my reaction time enough that I could only swing in his general direction instead of forming a defense. His blow almost threw me to the ground, but I'm pretty sure he might get a bruise on his belly tomorrow. Maybe.

This time, he kept up the attack, raining blows down on me just fast enough that I couldn't block, so I went all-out offense. Grappling, kicking, scratching, once I even tried to bite him. The end result was me lying in a pile on the ground and him sporting several minor injuries. Looking at me with an expression of contempt, he spun around and strolled away. Ass. Hmmm… since Burned Man didn't call it, the fight's still technically on, isn't it?

A fist-sized stone plowed into the back of Pirate's head, knocking him to the ground. I threw up a victory sign from my collapsed position when he didn't move for several seconds.

"And once again, Uzumaki Naruto proves that a lack of honor beats skill every time. Woo," I didn't actually say 'Woo', I just gave a small, unenthusiastic cheer at the end of my sentence.

After a couple false starts, I managed to drag myself to my feet. Burned Man kinda-sorta glared at me, I think, but it could've just been the lingering resentment for being forced up to test me. Abruptly, he moved over to Pirate's body and felt the impact area, mumbling to himself. I was a bit shocked at the flash of green light that enveloped his hand and the head for a second, but figured it was medical jutsu.

"Help me carry him over to my office."

Ah? You the school nurse? That's the only reason I can think that you'd take him to your office instead of the hospital.

With myself taking the feet, we carried Pirate's comatose body through the school halls until we reached an unremarkable door. Burned Man reached into his pocket, holding up Pirate with one hand, and yanked out a key, stuffing it into the lock.

The nurse's office (so he _was_ a nurse) was ridiculously familiar. Aside from the wooden floor, as opposed to tile, and wooden furnishings, it looked like a normal doctor's office at the hospital. An encouraging sign, since it showed that their medical technology is at least on par with what I'm familiar with. I hope.

We dumped Pirate's body in there and walked outside again, this time to a different area with a line and several targets facing said line. Oh look, it's the kunoichi again!

"I'll be testing your Bukijutsu, specifically throwing kunai and shuriken."

Brusque. Also distracting; I lost Burned Man. Well, whatever.

I reached into the left pouch on my leg to pull out… shuriken? I could've sworn this was the kunai pouch. Regardless, I hucked the sharp bit of metal at the target, a wooden dummy in the rough shape of a person about to hug someone. I tried, anyway. The kunoichi (she's not distinctive enough for a nickname) grabbed my arm mid throw.

"What the hell are you doing? Use the supplied weapons," Said the examiner, thrusting two pouches at me. I suppose standardized weaponry would be a sensible measure in a standardized test.

I grabbed them, dumping one on the ground. Alright, which one did I keep?

Ah, shuriken again. Alright, let's try this with better tools.

I wound up and sent the deadly flying object hurtling toward the target, embedding it in the midriff. That's good, right?

The rest of the weapon throwing was the same, netting a couple headshots but also either missing completely or bouncing off the target. The thing was hard wood and the weapons preferred to skitter off the surface instead of penetrating.

I got a score of 7/10 for the shuriken and 8/10 with the kunai, if you count bouncing off; otherwise, 4 of each weapon would be subtracted.

Oh god so I hope they count bouncing off as a hit.

xxXXxxXXxxXXxx

The ninjutsu test was almost exactly what appeared in the series, but they asked for all 3 jutsu, instead of just the one. I passed rather easily.

Not much to say.

xxXXxxXXxxXXxx

Surprisingly, the Hokage himself tabulated the results from each teacher, cross referencing pieces of paper every couple of seconds. His expression fell a few seconds before he looked up at me.

"I'm sorry, Naruto-kun, but you've failed again."

Well… this was expected, right? I never believed I would get it on the first go. I'm not used to failing, though.

"Can I get a play-by-play breakdown of my failure?" I offered a small grin.

"The only test you passed with no problems was the jutsu exam. Your weapon throwing was enough to pass, barely. Taijutsu was a failure, though it was remarked that you possessed good reflexes, speed, and stamina. And the written test was another failure, though it shows that a year or two of study would probably allow you to pass it. It's quite a good testing for an amnesiac, Naruto-kun."

Thanks for trying to reassure me. Okay, so I need to get that written exam down. I'll probably not be able to do anything else, but I don't really _need_ anything else. What's up with the taijutsu score, though? I knocked the guy unconscious!

"I had to carry my opponent to the nurse's office. How did I lose that fight?"

Sarutobi sighed and gave me a _look_.

"While your… _creative_ interpretation of the rules dropped your score, you also used weapons in your fight," I stared at him blankly and he hastened to clarify, "The rock, Naruto-kun. It's an automatic fail."

Holy mother of god, really? I'm a shinobi, a fucking _silent killer from the shadows_. I hurt people with trickery, supernatural sign language, and spinny balls of ninja death magic, why would one infraction of the rules be an automatic failure?

Fucking game.

"Thanks, Hokage-sama. **Load**."

xxXXxxXXxxXXxx

It took me a few moments to recognize where I was, but I quickly popped open the status window and accepted the level up.

**Barter: 15  
Bukijutsu: 23  
Capacity: 57  
Control: 21  
Fuinjutsu: 27  
Genjutsu: 23  
Kenjutsu: 17  
Lockpicking: 23  
Medicine: 27  
Ninjutsu: 27  
Science: 27  
Sneak: 42  
Speech: 15  
Survival: 27  
Tactics: 27  
Taijutsu: 27**

**Points left: 19/19**

Alright, if I remember correctly, I only need to pass 3 exams to graduate, right? And I don't think I could pass the taijutsu exam, so I'll allocate with passing the written exam in mind.

So what do I need? Well, Medicine was frequently checked, so I should definitely improve it. Tactics, too. And, if I remember right, Science came up frequently. So I should spend 9 points getting them all up to 30.

There were a good amount of 35 Medicine checks, right? So I'll use 5 more points getting that up to 35.

Then bump Genjutsu up to 25 and Survival to 30, just because they were checked slightly more frequently than other skills.

**Barter: 15  
Bukijutsu: 23  
Capacity: 57  
Control: 21  
Fuinjutsu: 27  
Genjutsu: 25  
Kenjutsu: 17  
Lockpicking: 23  
Medicine: 35  
Ninjutsu: 27  
Science: 30  
Sneak: 42  
Speech: 15  
Survival: 30  
Tactics: 30  
Taijutsu: 27**

**Points left: 0/19**

Alright, that should push me into passing range. Accept.

**Intense Training (0/10)  
+ 1 to any SPECIAL stat**

**Swift Learner (0/3)  
+10% EXP earned**

**Weapons Savant (0/1)  
+10 Bukijutsu, +10 Kenjutsu**

**Youthful Exuberance (0/1)  
+15 Taijutsu, +1 Green Jumpsuit**

**Know When to Hold 'Em (0/1)  
+10% Damage when not moving, Unlocks certain dialog options**

**Flaming Fingers (0/5)  
+5% Handseal speed**

'**True' Shinobi (0/1)  
+10 Sneak, +10 Tactics**

Okay, why do I get descriptions of what these do but not for traits? Fuck it, just smile and nod.

Okay, I'll immediately discount the skill perks, I'm confident in my ability to pass the written, which is all I really need. So my three possibilities are Intense Training, Know When to Hold 'Em, and Flaming Fingers. Swift Learner is a lemon that can go fuck itself.

I don't think I really need more SPECIAL points, the only things I could do is put them in Strength to have average brawn and Charisma so I'm more personable. But that would be a pretty fundamental twisting of my personality, so I'll say no to that.

Flaming Fingers, while nice, wouldn't really help me for a while, since my only 3 jutsu aren't really spamming jutsu. I mean, being able to launch a Replacement Jutsu faster would be nice, but I'm planning to have Shadow Clone Jutsu really soon, so they can just stand on the sidelines and do it for me. Plus, that extra speed only really comes in to play if you have gargantuan seal strings; if I remember right, the one that fires a water dragon had over _40_. How does anyone remember them?!

Know When to Hold 'Em would increase my damage by a percentage, which means it would be useful at any level of damage. The extra dialog options would be nice, though I'm not sure what they would do. The biggest weakness I can see is that it requires standing still for most of the effect, but I can just stop for a moment to attack, then continue running. The only attacks I would launch on the run would be intended to distract, not injure, anyway.

Yep, gong with Know When to Hold 'Em.

Now to make that Genin Exam my bitch.

xxXXxxXXxxXXxx

This time, I managed to get to the Academy without help, netting me an extra 15 minutes. Was it just me or does the kunoichi (I really need to name her if I'm interacting with her this much) look even worse?

Things continued as normal, so I sat down at the same desk in the same room with the same Burned Man.

_What was the name of the first Hokage?_

What was the name, again? Started with an H?

**Intelligence 9/4  
PASS  
+40 EXP**

Senju Hashirama, right. Damn Intelligence checks. At least the questions seem the same, I think.

xxXXxxXXxxXXxx

Is the test over?

I stretched my arms above my head, enjoying the feeling of joints expanding under stress.

**Level up**

Oh, so I did get one. I was a bit too focused on the actual test to notice. I'll deal with it later, since I don't want to stand here poking an invisible screen in front of witnesses.

xxXXxxXXxxXXxx

I was led out onto the training field with Pirate, again. We both assumed our ready stances and beat each other to a pulp. Well, he did; I was more of the pulpee than the pulper.

This time, when I collapsed from my injuries (Pirate had a few more, I noticed hazily), I refrained from knocking Pirate out with a thrown rock. I did grab one and toss it in my hand, though. Just to reassure myself I could do it if I wanted.

xxXXxxXXxxXXxx

Ah, good old Bukijutsu exam. Led by the remarkably unremarkable kunoichi, I-don't-know-who. This time, I just grabbed the offered weapon pouches immediately, rather than attempt it on my own.

My results were the same, actually, with 3/10 shuriken hits, 4/10 kunai hits and 4 near misses for each. Maybe it's an invisible dice roll?

xxXXxxXXxxXXxx

I failed the jutsu exam. Just kidding, I passed, exactly like I did the first time. It's not exactly something you fail if you can do the jutsu.

xxXXxxXXxxXXxx

The Hokage calculated my score again, but this time he had a cheerful demeanor as he did so. When he looked up at me and announced his results, I half expected the result.

"You passed, Naruto-kun. Your taijutsu needs work, a lot of work, as does your weapon throwing, but knowledge and jutsu use are excellent. I'll recommend to your teacher that you go through taijutsu drills, target practice, and frequent spars as part of your training program."

I barely heard him as a flush of excitement coursed through my body. I really wanted this, I guess. Or I was just afraid of what the consequences of failure, Root, would be.

**Quest completed**

Nice, must be the 'Become a genin' quest I've never seen. I should really look for the Journal later.

"Naruto-kun?" At Sarutobi's query I nodded, "Report to the Hokage tower tomorrow for registration. The next day, you'll meet with the rest of your fellow genin at the Academy for team assignments."

"Got it, Hokage-sama. Are there any open teams to get into?"

He shrugged and moved his pipe to the opposite corner of his mouth.

"Believe it or not, genin graduating in multiples of 3 is quite rare. Those we deem to be the weakest or strongest are given individual mentors or are attached to a chunin squad until a slot on a genin team opens up. Fortunately, thanks to you, we now have just the right number of genin for each jonin-sensei."

Interesting…

"Thanks, Hokage-sama. I'll make you proud. Which squad am I getting on, anyway? There must've been 2 schmucks who didn't make the cut for teams that I'll now be paired up with."

"That," Oh god, not a Xellos impersonation, "Is a secret."

Damn you, Slayers! Your memes transcend the dimensional boundaries!

"You're a senile ass, Hokage-sama."

He started for a moment before chuckling.

"And you're a rude youngster, just like before. A bit more crass, though."

I gave a wry smile.

"I prefer to think of it as painful honesty."

He chuckled some more and waved me off with one hand. I scampered out of the room before my insults turned from amusing to annoying.

xxXXxxXXxxXXxx

**Next time on **_**Dragon Ball Z**_**- eh, sorry, wrong anime. Next time on **_**Naruto**_**, our hero ponders his next move. And some other stuff happens, I dunno. What do I look like, the writer?**

**Don't answer that.**

**This is by _far_ the longest chapter I've written. Here are some probable answers to some possible questions you probably may or may not have. Maybe.**

**Yes, the Genin Exam is different. It's mostly because I felt that what we saw of the canon one was a little… skimpy? Not enough to become a genin, in my opinion. Naruto passed because his taijutsu score wasn't terrible, and his other test were a pass. His total average was the equivalent of a D +, which is sometimes considered a pass. The Hokage gave it to him mostly because he feels that Naruto can improve quickly, since he's this good with no experience.**

**Yes, Naruto sucks at taijutsu, more than his Taijutsu score would suggest. Take an Olympic weightlifter and pair him against a mid-level karate student who's been in a bunch of spars and tournaments. The karate guy'll win, even though the weightlifter is much stronger and probably in better shape. It's all about experience, and Naruto's never been in a fight outside of a couple schoolyard scraps and his previous taijutsu exam.**

**Yes, CP stands for chakra points.**

**Read and review! I command you!**

**Uzumaki Naruto**

**HP: 290/290 CP: 860/860  
Level: 2  
EXP: 2072/2000**

**Strength: 4  
Perception: 7  
Endurance: 9  
Charisma: 3  
Intelligence: 9  
Agility: 9  
Luck: 3**

**Barter: 15  
Bukijutsu: 23  
Capacity: 57  
Control: 21  
Fuinjutsu: 27  
Genjutsu: 25  
Kenjutsu: 17  
Lockpicking: 23  
Medicine: 35  
Ninjutsu: 27  
Science: 30  
Sneak: 42  
Speech: 15  
Survival: 30  
Tactics: 30  
Taijutsu: 27**


	3. Scavenging and Shopping

**Eh? It's been **_**this**_** long since I updated? Better fix that, then. IRL issues can be time sinks in the extreme.**

**Anyway, fanon has led me astray about the finicky details of the **_**Naruto**_** setting. Apparently, the Hokage's office isn't in a big-ass tower near the center of the village. It's in the Academy. Really. So my fic's officially an AU, though it conforms to the fan's most common interpretations of canon and tries to work with canon as much as possible.**

**juste leave me alone: It started out as one, but it grew and grew until I felt I had enough of an idea to make it into a full story. Then I published it.**

**Guest: I was going to include it, but I noticed the word counter was over 6000, so I finished off the chapter and decided to include it in the next one. Plus, there's not that much hidden here. In the normal Genin Exam, maybe. However, this is a slapdash test organized by the Hokage that's designed for people about level 5, the standard level for graduating genin. Not exactly many secrets he can use and exploit.**

**greed11: He… has explored the Options Menu. It didn't include a POV option, partially because a 3****rd**** person perspective would be hard to write, but also because I would think that the Main Menu options and in-game options would be different. He barely save scummed because he (and I) usually don't do it and because I figure reading about countless tiny permutations until the desired result is achieved to be kind of dull. And it's the Genin Exam, I can't make it **_**too**_** hard.**

**cruel vamp: Yes, with the appropriate build. Clones don't start out with access to the creator's perks.**

**DaOneInDaCorner: Yes, if he put all his points in Taijutsu, had perfect scores in Agility, Endurance, Strength, Perception, and Luck, and fought someone focused on, say, genjutsu, he could probably win. The point I was trying to make is that raising your level raises your base abilities. A jonin with 1 Strength would be able to overpower Naruto, even though Naruto has a 3 point advantage. Said jonin probably wouldn't be able to overpower Lee, but they would utilize their strength more efficiently and effectively thanks to Agility. My point is that a significant level difference leads to it being almost impossible to take someone out in straight combat.**

**As for partying… partially. They won't have access to Naruto game skills, like partying in **_**The Gamer**_**, but they will be part of an in-game group that'll give bonuses. And, yeah, jutsu level. That'll be covered next chapter, I think.**

**Canta009: Good, my characterization was proper. For me, this is something of an experiment to see how people respond to a protagonist who's self-centered, somewhat cowardly (though the Save/Load will assist that), and a bit apathetic to other people. It's something I've never seen in a SI fic before; the protagonist is always pretty nice and concerned for other people. Naruto thinks of this world as mostly fictional, and is going to be primarily interacting with immature 12-year-olds and psychologically-scarred older men. These aren't the best conditions to foster a sense of belonging or concern about the world.**

xxXXxxXXxxXXxx

Dialog Cheat Sheet

Emphasis

Game Text if centered

[Activating game ability]

SHOUTING

Cutting someone o- short

*sound effect*

Written word if centered

xxXXxxXXxxXXxx

I passed! Fuckin' _finally_!

Yeah, I know that was only, what, two attempts, but I've been awake for a subjective 24 hours, give or take. Those Mizuki attempts were about an hour apiece. I'm _exhausted_ and just want this to be over.

Anything I missed?

…

That damn Perception check. Wait, that didn't happen last time. So was it a one-time deal?

Well, it can't have been very important if I could miss it that easily. I'll just ignore it, I suppose. It was just an offhand remark by a random kunoichi; I kind of doubt that'll become a major plot point. Just to be on the safe side, I'm keeping this save.

I pulled up the menu and tapped the SAVE option.

**Save Name?**

What to call this one… 'After the Genin Exam'?

Alright, now to bed!

…

Then again, it'd be just like me to overlook an offhand remark that leads to an exciting quest chain filed with wondrous rewards and otherwise off-limits areas. I don't exactly have the luxury of a wiki or guide, after all.

Goddammit. Fine, I'll reload in the face of this relentless logic of mine.

xxXXxxXXxxXXxx

Okay, here's the Academy. Again. Sigh. Well, after leveling up like last time, only getting Intense Training to pull my Perception up to 8, I'm confident in my ability to eavesdrop on a tired female ninja.

And there's the kunoichi (hereafter referred to as Kunoichi) in question.

"Uzumaki-san? Follow me," Kunoichi said with a brusque tone. Kind of like her previous greetings.

I docilely trailed her through the myriad halls that made up Konoha's Ninja Academy. When we came to the door I presumed led to the written exam, Kunoichi stalked off. Perfect.

**Perception 8/8  
PASS  
+80 EXP**

"Damn Hokage. Need my beauty sleep. Don't even _like_ the brat, why do I test him later?"

… Wow. Really? That comment is Perception check-worthy?

Fucking game. At least I don't have to redo the Genin Exam. It's just 80 EXP. I can easily get that back through D-ranks.

…

Then again, I would still be 80 EXP ahead if I did this and whatever else I planned to do to compensate for this loss. And it's not like the test is unbearably hard; only the taijutsu portion could be termed even challenging, since my throwing seems pretty consistent.

Again, I bow in the face of superior reasoning.

xxXXxxXXxxXXxx

I sat across from the Hokage, staring boredly at the ceiling. The written exam went just like before, I think. Weapon use was actually better and the jutsu exam was a piece of cake. The taijutsu exam, on the other hand… apparently, when I go without sleep for more than 24 hours straight before a fight, I get vicious. This time, Pirate walked away from that fight with several furrows carved in his cheek and I was actually knocked unconscious.

"Congratulations, Naruto-kun. You passed, if only barely," Hmmm, faster results than I remember getting previously.

I flashed a victory sign and sat up straight, ignoring the deep-seated ache the action caused.

"How was my taijutsu score? Obviously the best you've ever seen," I rested my arms on my knees to pull off the Gendo pose, interlaced fingers held in front of the lower face.

Sarutobi snorted (people actually do that?) and slipped a bit of tobacco in his pipe.

"Not by far. The only reason you passed was your… determination to injure the examiner."

A.K.A how much I tried to at least hurt Pirate. Yay me.

"Your weapon use was weak, but pass-worthy. Your ninjutsu test results actually rather excellent, according to the examiner's comments. And the written exam was another passing grade, though your general knowledge could use some brushing up. I suppose it's a miracle you retained even that much information, however."

… So basically the same thing as last time, just a bit better at throwing sharp objects? Nice.

"I'll take it, Hokage-sama. When do I get the headband?" I let my arms relax out of the Gendo pose to hang limply by my sides.

"Report to the Hokage Tower tomorrow at 8:00 AM for your headband and ID," Sarutobi ignored my question gracefully. No, wait, he answered it. My bad.

So when do I meet my team? I voiced the question percolating through my skull.

"The day after tomorrow. Depending on the size of the graduating class, we can't get all the paperwork filled out by the end of the day, so we give them a grace period before becoming shinobi."

Sensible.

"Right, that'll give me time to get some more supplies and flip through whatever manuals I can dig up. Anyway, if that's all, I'm going to go home and crash for several hours, if you don't mind," I said, covering a small yawn.

"Remember: eight o'clock in the morning," Was that a note of warning in the Hokage's tone? It's not like I'm going to forget to set the alarm clock.

…

Well, Naruto might've. So I guess his caution is warranted.

"Have a pleasant early morning, Hokage-sama," I said, waving tiredly.

xxXXxxXXxxXXxx

Catalog of what I found shinobi-related in Naruto's apartment:

3 Poor Shuriken (Hidden under the couch)  
1 Poor Kunai (Covered in dust up in a cabinet)  
2 Rusty Kunai (Under the sink. Don't know why, but whatever…)  
1 _Trapping for Fun and Profit_ (Manual on traps. Well-worn in some places)  
13 Makeshift Senbon (Nails, actually. Don't know why these would be weapons)  
4 Makeshift Lockpicks (Also nails. Why not a weapon? Too flexible?)  
1 Textbook per school subject (Math, biology, physics, grammar, etc. Lots of doodles in all of them. Remember to read through the geography and history books soon)  
15 feet of Poor Ninja Wire (Requires Bukijutsu of 50. Guess I know what Bukijutsu does now)  
32 Porn Magazines (Not sure if he understood what these were for, or if they were just used to create the Sexy Jutsu. Also not sure if these count as shinobi-related)  
57 torn-off or shredded textbook pages that cover various subjects (Everything from Fuinjutsu to chakra control. Why the hell are these so damaged?)

It took about an hour of searching to turn this up. Unfortunately, I didn't find anything covering shinobi etiquette, a guide to being a genin, or anything that gives information about the profession (aside from the trapping book). Can I buy some from a bookstore, or get weapons while I'm at it? I doubt I have much in the way of liquid assets. How much ryo do I have, anyway?

"Inventory."

**Inventory**

**[Weapons] Armors Jutsu Consumables Misc**

**2 Kunai  
13 Makeshift Senbon****  
****12 Poor Kunai [ ]  
5 Poor Kunai****  
****18 Poor Shuriken [ ]  
2 Rusty Kunai**

… No counter in the screen corner. Do I get a count in Misc? Or, to be more precise, is the ryo an actual object located in my Misc?

**Inventory**

**Weapons Armors Jutsu Consumables [Misc]**

**32 Adults-only Magazine  
4 Makeshift Lockpick  
57 Shredded Page  
7 Textbook**

Nope. Do I not have any money or does the game just not tell me? It could be either, really. I guess I can check at a shop or something.

Right, shopping. Need to do that tomorrow. Not only to get some decent equipment for the 'true' Genin Exam, but also to see if I can get a different outfit. Orange is cool and all, but I prefer black and blue. Though those are Sasuke's colors…

Black and orange and blue, then? Well, I'd like to replace the orange jumpsuit for something more armored on missions, anyway.

Hmmm… what're the chances I'll get in Kakashi's squad, Team 7?

I grabbed the traps book (oddly enough in the Consumables section) and pretended to read as I thought.

Well, unless there were other teams not mentioned in canon, the structure's pretty much sewn up. Team 8 is a tracking, reconnaissance squad, with their X-ray vision, heightened sense of smell, and ability to control chakra-eating bugs. Team 10 was the copy of a previous team, I think, based around their complimentary bloodline limits; why no one realizes there are now established counters to their tactics is beyond me. Sasuke and Sakura, on the other hand, don't really have anything special about them. Sakura's a budding genjutsu mistress or medic, but she doesn't really do anything with it in the first season. Sasuke's pretty powerful, but he's just a straight fighter. So we three will be lumped together to form some kind of assault squad, presumably.

This isn't even considering the various sensei available and their areas of expertise. Kakashi's guaranteed to teach Sasuke, due to his implanted Sharingan. Kurenai is a genjutsu specialist (not sure if canon, though), so it'd make sense she would teach a squad that's not combat-oriented. And Asuma… he has knives? And might be good at strategy?

TL;DR – Team 7 is pretty much a certainty.

Great. I just _love_ Kakashi. Note the sarcasm.

It's not that I hate him so much as I think he's a shitty teacher. He can be rather funny and badass interchangeably, and he has a pretty interesting backstory. But he taught Naruto _nothing_ in the original series. No ninjutsu, no taijutsu, only how to walk up trees.

Maybe he was trying to teach self-reliance?

Anyway, this means that I'll be on Team 7, if I'm correct. And that means I'm not going to get jutsu handed to me like candy. Unfortunately, I like candy…

Is the library full of S and A-rank jutsu canon? I wouldn't think so; if you're a shinobi who knows a lot of powerful, dangerous stuff, why would you transcribe it onto a scroll available for public perusal? You would either let it die with you or share it with your children, students, and/or spouse exclusively.

Sigh. All this is just a distraction from the greater issue: should I intentionally alter the normal flow of events?

What can I change, though? What occurs after this? Pre-Shippuden, since I didn't watch that at all.

The other Genin Exam. I wouldn't really want to change that so much as pass it. So, when I use that level up, I'll dump points into Speech so I can convince the other two to work together and earn an auto-pass. Maybe that'll pave the way for a better team dynamic, though I won't hold my breath.

Wave arc, I think. I could probably intentionally sabotage our teamwork, but the canon Team 7 didn't work like a well-oiled machine, but they still got the C rank. So the most I could do is advocate caution. Which will presumably polarize Sasuke against caution, whom Sakura will subsequently follow. Could I convince Kakashi to at least call for backup after that first attack? Maybe. I wouldn't count on it, though. He's either so confident in himself that he thinks he can handle everything or he _did_ call for backup, which failed to materialize in the original series.

Next was filler? I didn't pay attention to those episodes, so I couldn't change anything in them if I tried. And they're filler, utterly inconsequential in the grand scheme of things.

The Chunin Exams. I could pass the first part no problem, but knowing my luck, the game'll throw a weird set of challenges that require actually answering some questions correctly. The second part… I couldn't beat Orochimaru, even with powerleveling, and I couldn't stop him from escaping if I _could_ fight him equally. The prelims/third section would be a cakewalk, comparatively. Save/Load and a month of training to specialize against a specific character's moveset for the win.

The invasion. I can't help them at all without significant danger to myself. I couldn't provide any specific information about tactics, just that Gaara's a major player, Orochimaru's in disguise, and that he's going to resurrect two dudes who I don't remember. And, if they ask how I got this intelligence, I'll be found lacking, so they'll either ignore me, lock me in a padded cell, or think I'm a spy. Maybe all three. Finally, interfering in the Sarutobi/Orochimaru fight's a no-no for obvious reasons.

As for the Sasuke defection… I'm not even sure what caused it. I'm sure the Cursed Mark thing Orochimaru gave him in the second exam influenced the decision, but I also believe other factors precipitated the decision. Jealousy of Naruto's growing power for one. But I don't know how to stop it. My Charisma's 3 (a poor decision in hindsight), so I can't use my raw animal magnetism, and showing off to impress him would drive him further away, I think. What to do…

As I contemplated how to best befriend Sasuke, my gaze gravitated toward the fuzzy orange box hanging in front of the book. I'm pretty sure that's not a normal feature of ink and paper information repositories.

**Learn the Trapping skill?  
Y/N**

… This is a skill book? Not only a skill book, but one that teaches new skills?

Hesitantly, I tapped Y and stifled a groan as information filled my head. Various ways to combine various materials to create various devices to debilitate various opponents in various ways.

Set up in a various manner, of course.

It hurt like fuck, if you couldn't tell.

"Status," I mumbled, ignoring the book's disappearing act in favor of massaging my splitting headache away.

**Status**

**Stats [Skills] Perks Reputation Misc**

**Uzumaki Naruto**

**Barter: 15  
Bukijutsu: 23  
Capacity: 57  
Control: 21  
Fuinjutsu: 27  
Genjutsu: 25  
Kenjutsu: 17  
Lockpicking: 23  
Medicine: 35  
Ninjutsu: 27  
Science: 30  
Sneak: 42  
Speech: 15  
Survival: 30  
Tactics: 30  
Taijutsu: 27  
Trapping: 1**

Okay, so no SPECIAL bonus. And the game system isn't entirely based on _Fallout_, joy. I love surprise mechanics.

Again, note the sarcasm.

Gah, whatever. I haven't slept in over _a day_! I'm going to ignore this until morning.

I shed my jacket and pants on the way to the bedroom, jumping on top of the sheets before closing my eyes. It's called Fire Country for a reason, apparently.

Wait, don't I need to set an alarm? Good thing I remembered.

xxXXxxXXxxXXxx

Urg. Since when did I get an alarm clock? And why's it so… mechanical-sounding? I'd get a digital clock if I wanted one.

I blinked away some of the blurriness to note the completely unfamiliar room (decked out in a vibrant orange) and the neo-retro-Japanese town outside the window.

Oh yeah, the whole reincarnation bit. So it wasn't a dream…

Fuck all kinds of duck.

There was something I needed to do, I think…

Picture day. Or registration day, I guess.

Alright, shower first. No, set up some water to boil, then take a quick shower. Pour the water into, say, 3 instant ramen cups before changing clothes (if there are any more) and eat on the way to the Tower.

Sounds like a plan.

xxXXxxXXxxXXxx

The cellophane top to the now-cooked noodles came off with a minimum of fuss, leaving the broth underneath completely undisturbed. I grinned as I inhaled the delicious aroma. Maybe it seems so much better because of how hungry I am?

Regardless, I twirled the dented fork (I did _not_ want to fuck around with chopsticks), nearly dropped it, and immediately resolved to not perform tricks with metal objects for my own amusement anymore. Not until I get the weapon skills up, at least.

The utensil slid easily between the greasy-looking noodles, collecting several in its prongs. A mouthful was lifted to and chewed by my eager mouth and… nothing. No explosion of flavor, but no immediate dislike. Maybe Naruto's obsession with ramen was overstated? Or it didn't transfer? Or could the lifelong love be in full force, but the cup ramen is so nasty that I can only taste it as 'meh'?

Food is food, though. And I'm hungry.

Slurp.

xxXXxxXXxxXXxx

I slid the other cup of ramen in my pocket, being sure not to jostle it too much, and chowed down on my second helping on the way to the Hokage Tower. It took long enough that I was almost through the third and final cup when I neared the doors.

GAH! What the hell! Who grabbed my collar!

"You're late, young man! If you weren't my only appointment today, you wouldn't be getting your license until next year!"

The photographer guy? I'm not late, I'm… I'm late. The lobby's clock reads 8:03. Damn.

Ah, I dropped my ramen cup. There was only a mouthful remaining, anyway. I shrugged as I was led (dragged) down a short hallway and shoved into a small room decked out like a makeshift photography studio. A white backdrop was hung before a stool and a table, the stool holding a large, clunky-looking camera and the table carrying an assortment of forehead protectors.

"Pick a headband, put it on, and head to the X," Ever heard of social niceties, jackass?

… Said the pot to the kettle.

Well, whatever. Black goes with everything, so I'll take that color forehead protector. Plus, the others are along the lines of pink, lime green, and white. Not bad in of themselves, but definitely not my favorite colors. I guess the more subdued hues were taken.

After tying the thing around my head (surprisingly difficult), I moved over to the large cross on the floor, sticking my hand in my pockets.

The camera flash blinded me.

"Hmph. Bland and expressionless, but adequate enough, I suppose."

… Why no warning? Especially if you're going to complain about the final result. Gah, whatever, this is for official documentation so it's probably best I didn't pose or anything.

I spoke up, "Does that mean I'm done?"

My only response was a piece of paper and a boot out the door.

Maybe I report to the Hokage next?

xxXXxxXXxxXXxx

"A bit bland, but it'll do," Sarutobi mused, scratching his chin thoughtfully.

That better not become a running gag.

"I wasn't exactly given any time to pose," Oddly enough, I felt a bit defensive about the picture.

He shrugged and set the picture aside, lighting his pipe in a smooth motion. I feel like there's something I need to ask him… oh right. Better make sure he isn't busy, though.

"Do you have a minute, Hokage-sama?"

He started before nodding convivially and grinning slightly.

"I can always put off some paperwork, Naruto-kun," Was that a joke? It seemed like a joke. Whatever, might as well offer another small grin back.

"You see, I was hoping to replace this jumpsuit on missions with something less… visible. And acquire some more weapons. Do you know of any place that I can get that stuff? Preferably for cheap," I asked, preemptively pulling the map out of my pocket.

Sarutobi closed his eyes and tapped rhythmically on the giant wooden desk. I took the opportunity to examine the Hokage's office. It was a large, oval room, three large windows overlooking the village behind a massive wooden desk covered with books and papers. Some untranslated Japanese kanji were plastered on the desk front.

"Well," Oh, he's done thinking, "While I'm not up to date on the most recent establishments, I recall this street right here," He drew a thin line down a fairly distant road, "Had several well-respected stores catering to shinobi clientele. Otherwise, I would suggest this road here," He marked another street, this one much larger and near the main gate.

"And that is…"

The bastard merely grinned as he held his pipe, "What is what?"

Oh no, I'm not playing this game. What can I deduce on my own, instead? Well, the street's remarkably large on the map, and is located right next to the main gate. So… it's a tourist trap? A series of stores designed to drain travelers of their money? Why would any decent shinobi stores be there? I would imagine they'd be somewhere farther in, where the defense force could protect them in case of invasion.

I was snapped out of my contemplations by a calloused hand being waved in front of my face.

"Naruto-kun?"

Oh, he's concerned for me or something. I was only thinking for a moment, wasn't I?

"That road specializes in producing affordable supplies for visitors to Konoha. Not the highest quality, but I imagine you aren't willing to spend for the best."

Damn straight I'm not. Well, not until I figure out my finances and start hoarding loot.

"Hah, thanks," I rubbed the back of my neck awkwardly, "The jumpsuit might be comfortable and surprisingly fashionable, even though the rolled-up sleeves look stupid, but darker colors are easier to hide in. Speaking of…" I quickly leaned down to unroll the legs, doing the same to the arms a moment later. Why didn't I do this earlier?

I looked up to see Sarutobi's deadpan expression.

"You consider that to be fashionable?"

Really? I raised an eyebrow and matched his stare with one of my own.

"It reminds me of some sort of manga protagonist. And I like orange," I replied flatly.

Sarutobi just sighed, hiding a slight smile. Am I reminding him of Naruto? How?

"Hey, Hokage-sama, can you tell me some things about myself? Like my birthday?" Wow, that makes no sense without the context.

"I can tell you _many_ things about yourself, Naruto-kun," Well, that doesn't sound ominous at all.

xxXXxxXXxxXXxx

"And all this was caused by one batch of overcooked noodles?"

"I stand by its veracity," Sarutobi assured me, eyes twinkling.

Uh huh. Totally believable. Yeah.

"I'll take-"

I was cut off by the sound of a door opening. Don't you need an appointment to visit the Hokage?

"Old man, I challenge you!" And annoying voice proclaimed. Loudly.

Why does this feel familiar?

The owner of said voice, a little kid wearing a helmet and blue scarf longer than he was tall, dashed across the room, only to trip over the neckwear. He was followed by some guy wearing black everything, from the turtleneck, to the bandana, to the _sweet_ sunglasses.

I would swear I've seen this somewhere.

"Wha- did I spring a trap?" No, you tripped over you scarf like a moron.

This was an episode on the original series, I think. Some kid…

"Ah, honorable grandson, are you alright?! And, pardon my observation, but there are no traps here," The guy with the _awesome_ eye covers (seriously, I think they're better than Alucard's shades!) asked hurriedly, checking the 'honorable grandson' over for injuries.

Hah? Why would anyone need to be told there are no traps here? And now I'm certain this was an episode of _Naruto_. The second one, wasn't it?

"Hmmm… You!" 'Honorable grandson' jabbed his finger at me for some reason.

I mutely pointed at myself for confirmation.

"Yeah, you must've tripped me!"

This… I know he's really young, but really? Well, I think pointing out the scarf did nothing in the actual episode but make the kid more embarrassed and irrational, so let's try an unconventional route. Even if it fails, which it will, it'll be funny as hell.

"Oh no, you caught me," Damn my inability to convincingly fake contriteness, "Now I shall have to discuss my punishment with the Hokage. Please give us some privacy."

**Speech 15/15  
PASS  
+15 EXP**

The 'honorable grandson' crossed his arms and nodded faux-seriously.

"Very well! Come on, Ebisu-sensei, let's leave this criminal to his fate."

… I have no words for my current level of incredulity right now.

xxXXxxXXxxXXxx

After bidding goodbye to a Hokage hiding his laughter, I started off towards the higher-quality shops. I mean, at least they're guaranteed to carry some good stuff, not like the commercial sellouts on Konoha's Main Street. Offering cheap goods to foreign visitors in an attempt to make a profit, rather than competing with an already saturated domestic market. They make me sick.

Sarcasm mode: Deactivated.

Anyway, long story short, after making my way past a whorehouse and what I think might've either been 'Mafia justice' or 'really, really kinky sex', I'm lost. It's _extremely_ easy to get turned here, primarily because there are no street markings. Not even the European 'plaque on a wall giving the street name' thing they have going on.

Oh, hey, a _sign_! Praise His Noodliness!

… _Higurashi Weapons_, huh? Isn't Higurashi the last name of a main character? I wanna say Tenten, but I'm also pretty sure she was an orphan in the original series. Perhaps she was adopted? Or was that fanon…

"What're _you_ doing out here?!"

Who- Really? 'Honorable grandson' followed me out here? Or is this just coincidence?

GAH! Little shit, let's see how you like getting kicked in the shin!

"I said what're you doing out here?!" The brat screamed, pointing at me dramatically.

"Shopping. Now leave me alone," I ground out, restraining my Golden Rule impulses. Kind of difficult when you're clutching your leg in agony.

Ass. Really, the nerve of some people- JESUS FUCK! How can he kick that hard?!

"Why aren't you being punished?" He said. Well, it was a bit quieter than shouting, so I classify it as saying.

That's why? Okay, let's spin yet another yarn.

Ignoring the pain now in both legs, I drew erect to glare down at the spratling: "My punishment is going to take place at night for reasons unknown to me. Go away," This time I didn't care about how unapologetic my voice was.

**Speech 15/20  
FAIL**

"Pft. Like I'm supposed to believe that. What's really going on?" Ooh, so 'honorable grandson' has gotten more perceptive since I've last seen him.

"Look," I took a deep, calming breath, "You tripped over your own scarf. And, even if I did trip you, I wouldn't be given any sort of official punishment. You're just a clan brat, after all."

'Honorable grandson' looked at me quizzically, even dropping out of his aggressive posture for a moment.

"Your clothes are pretty finely made, you were called 'honorable grandson' by your teacher, and your accent carries a hint of refinement not found outside of the clans or civilian families associated with the clans. A sensei following you around implies some sort of hired shinobi tutor/guardian, which I imagine only clans would spring for; if you were a civilian, you would instead have a tutor to go to every so often. To get into finer details, the Konoha symbol decoration is stitched into the shirt, rather than a patch sewn in or just a dye, both of which are cheaper and less labor-intensive to produce. The scarf is rather luxurious, yet also new-looking, which means you were either given it in that condition or nobody particularly cared enough about it to notice its disappearance. Of course, this analysis could be completely wrong due to extenuating circumstances, but I stand by it," I continued, nodding at the end.

The kid was gaping at me after I ended my lecture/rant. I'll admit, I'm a bit surprised at myself, too. Never thought I could notice so much and combine it into a cohesive whole; 8 Perception can be extremely convenient. Though, to be fair, I made half of that up, and I already knew he was someone important. Not exactly sure who, honestly...

"I didn't steal the scarf! And I- I'm not really a clan brat," Hoh, what's up with the change in tone? You sound almost timid now.

"So what?" I cocked an eyebrow, "What exactly does that change? Unless you're from a civilian family, I don't see any reason to discount my observations."

'Honorable grandson' jumped a bit and stared for a moment before relocating his gaze to the ground. Is he thinking?

… Probably. I wonder if I can go into the store before he realizes I'm not here?

"I've come to a decision!"

Apparently not.

"You," Again with the pointing. Isn't that rude in Japan or something? "Are going to teach me for today in exchange for my forgiveness."

My first thought is to say 'Hell no, now fuck off and die', but I'm not sure if that's the best course of action. First, I'm not fond of swearing at children. Second, I'm in a rather crowded street being stared at me a number of people. Not to get off topic, but how does he even know I could teach him something?

…

The headband. I forgot to take it off. Dammit.

Okay, so he wants to learn how to be a shinobi? I could probably tell him a thing or two. Maybe figure out a simple chakra control exercise. And it would get him off my back, allowing me to go shopping without interruption.

"Sure, why not? Just don't expect too much; I have amnesia," I ignored his obvious questions in favor of planning where to go.

Now, where's the nearest training field? I can't use the map right now, since I don't know where I am… do I have an in game map?

"Map," I muttered.

Nothing. Damn.

"Journal?"

**Journal**

**QUESTS  
NOTES  
LOG  
MAPS**

Jackpot!

Okay, I don't really care about QUESTS, NOTES, or LOG right now. MAPS sounds good, though.

… Alright, so I'm here and the training field closest to me is… over here. And thus, I need to take… 5 rights and 6 lefts, alternating every time I get to a new street junction.

Seems simple enough. I wonder where I'll end up when I inevitably get lost?

xxXXxxXXxxXXxx

Holy mackerel, I actually got here without getting lost! Hah, I wonder what unexpected event's going to kick me in the balls? You know, for karmic balance.

Panting? Oh, C… uh, C-something made it. Good time, too. Now what am I going to teach him?

Well, I have three padded wooden posts, several trees, and an impressionable kid, I'm sure I'll figure something out. Eventually.

xxXXxxXXxxXXxx

**Done. Yeah, I cut off Konohamaru's time here, just because I want to get the chapter out earlier. Updates within 2 weeks, pinkie promise.**

**For those of you who're curious, I'm declaring the currency of the Naruto universe to be ryo. Any complaints otherwise must include a scan or clip from the series showing the actual money.**

**Hopefully no one's particularly upset about anything I included, particularly Naruto's thoughts (or lack thereof) about exploring he menus in full. He's had a lot on his plate right now, so that kind of thing will be relegated to either the next chapter or the one after that.**

**Also, how exactly would you like me to post Naruto's stats? Every chapter or only when he levels up? Just Status and Skills, or also include Perks, Reputations, etc.? Centered or Aligned Left?**


	4. Unexpected Features

**Double update, due to the positive **_**flood**_** of ideas I've had for this.**

**You'll probably notice that this chapter is quite a bit longer than my others. This is because I noticed that it took a long time to pass through the Konohamaru sections without handwaving the events as 'just like what happened in canon'. I tried to make it a bit more interesting for fans of the series to read through again while remaining understandable for those who haven't read the series before. And quality is better than quantity, right?**

**serialkeller: No, Trapping doesn't level up through use. He can come up with new designs for traps though using the skill, finding recipes, or just thinking about it, but the only way to increase the skill itself would be to assign points to it. And he'll go through the menus soon.**

**NorthSouthGorem: I must've given the wrong impression, probably by my use of the phrase 'fangirl crush'. I personally like Hinata, though I wish she weren't considered the default pairing for Naruto. Anyway, the point I was trying to carry across is that Naruto doesn't think highly of Hinata because of some Fridge Logic and several assumptions about canon. These assumptions (made based almost solely off reading fanfiction, by the way) make Hinata out to be pretty selfish, admiring Naruto and secretly following him around for years when it was obvious he had no friends. In a nutshell, it's an attempt to write a character who offers reasonable and rational, yet differing opinions from my own.**

**DaOneInDaCorner: To get a crafting skill, or any skill, he'd need to be taught the basics, either from a book or an expert. Just 'really, really wanting' to start forging a bunch of iron daggers wouldn't cut it, nor would just attempting to do so anyway. He could learn the basics through trial and error, but that would take upwards of several moths of constant practice when getting a couple lessons from a village smith would take less than a week. 'Grinding' in a Fallout game is pretty hard to do; most of your experience comes from quests, and you can't improve skills through use. Though, yeah, he will be 'grinding', as much as one can in this kind of game. As for the KOTOR-style partying… maybe. It would a pretty radical departure from what I had planned, but it would make for a sweet mechanic. I must think on this. And thank you for reaffirming my belief that people read both my stories!**

**greed11: Ah, FOV. Much more sensible. I've never really messed with the FOV in most games, so I'm not familiar with the effects, though I know TotalBiscuit has a thing for its inclusion. If it does what I think it does, yeah, it would be rather overpowered once he got used to the distortion. I think such a slider would still be located in the Main Menu options, though. As for save scumming, that's what he'll most likely do. The issue is recognizing a hairy situation soon enough to save early enough to make a difference. Reloading just as Zabuza's sword is about to lobotomize you isn't enough time to alter anything.**

**Carlos Augusto: Well, thanks for giving this a try, at least. The Shadow Clone has such high stat requirements for two reasons. One, I find it ridiculous that something found on the Forbidden Scroll would be easy to perform. Two, I'm declaring that Mass Shadow Clone Jutsu, in this universe, is fundamentally different from just plain ol' Shadow Clone Jutsu. Using Mass Shadow Clone Jutsu allows you to create numerous clones in one go, but each of those clones would be fundamentally weaker than one created using Shadow Clone Jutsu.**

xxXXxxXXxxXXxx

Dialog Cheat Sheet

_Emphasis_

**Game Text if centered**

SHOUTING

Cutting someone o- short

*sound effect*

_Written word if centered_

xxXXxxXXxxXXxx

Okay, what do I know about teaching martial arts? Nothing.

What about throwing things? Again, nothing. Well, nothing I think the kid hasn't puzzled out himself.

Perhaps I was a thief in a past life and their knowledge of stealth will pass down on to me now that I acknowledge this cosmic connection?

… Nope. Damn, I really liked that one, too.

Alright, what do I remember about shinobi training from the series? Aside from the tree-climbing thing, absolutely nil.

So what did fanfiction say?

… The leaf-sticking exercise. Or was that also from the series? Well, I know is that the principle between it and tree-climbing is the same so, even if it's not standard material, it should be possible.

Just to make sure, though…

"You! 50 high kicks, either leg!" I barked, not turning to face C-something. I really should learn his name.

"Wha- I could do that on my own!" The incredibly entitled and deluded brat shouted, apparently getting his breath back.

"Just do it, would you? I need to test something."

After a bit of grumbling, he complied, stalking off to the closest wooden post. Alright, now for a proof of concept.

I crouched down and snatched up a relatively-intact leaf. I think it was a maple leaf, the one on Canada's flag.

Right, so I think I need to channel chakra to my hand, which should make it stick. Or it might explode, who knows? I sure as hell don't!

Putting my optimism aside, I felt around for my chakra. After a bit of searching, I found it. Or would detected be a better word? It wasn't the warm ball I remember it being described as so much as a sort of river, flowing from a kinda-sorta cistern in my chest through an intricate series of pathways in my body, ultimately ending up back at the source. It was amazingly complex, and I would love to study it for hours on end. Unfortunately, the call of SCIENCE! waits for no man.

Anyway, I 'nudged' the cistern to channel more chakra down the pipes I thought led to my hand. I'm sure this would be almost instinctual if I grew up manipulating chakra, but what can you do? I sat and felt, entranced, as the tiny threads leading down to my palm were forcibly enlarged, struggling to allow the chakra passage. It's a bad sign when you call upon so much power that your body needs to forcibly adjust to it. Maybe all chakra use is like this?

To what shouldn't have been my surprise, the leaf was blown out of my hand by a cloudy blue vortex, which seemingly evaporated in the midday sun.

Too much chakra, I think? Perhaps a bit less would be in order. And I think I need to keep a steady stream of chakra to my palm, too. It's not like I'm slapping some magical glue to my palm so much as I'm generating a force to counter gravity using a form of metaphysical energy manipulated through some kind of special power humans have.

I selected another leaf, now some kind I can't identify, and 'nudged' the cistern again, this time with a bit less force and continuing to 'nudge' the cistern to keep up the flow. Keeping a flow of chakra to my hand seemed semi-instinctual, at least.

Hmmm… Well, the leaf hasn't been blown away. But can it stand up to the ultimate test?!

I flipped my hand over and gasped in awe as the leaf didn't float to the ground. On second thought, perhaps 'gasp' is a bit too much; 'blinked' would probably be a bit more accurate.

Either way, I did it! I made a leaf stick to my palm in defiance of Newton's Law of Universal Gravitation! Absolutely amazing, I would kiss myself if I were a narcissist. And if that were physically possible.

Gah, focus.

Okay, so the hypothesis that chakra can produce an attractive effect on adjoining matter has been proven. So… 'Can this be applied to trees?' is the next logical question. And the answer to that question is yet another question: 'Why the fuck not?'.

"The leaf-sticking exercise? What're you doing that for?"

Jesus, why didn't my Perception warn me about him!? It's 8, that's a _really_ good score!

"Amnesia, remember? Now, I assume you already know how to do this?" I decided that not actually responding to his question would be best.

He opened his mouth as if to ask something, but closed it with a resigned expression and mutely snatched the leaf off my hand. With a small frown of concentration, he pressed the leaf against his forehead and made it stay there.

I nodded and continued, "Right, so I'll teach you about an extension to this exercise I thought up. See that tree?" I waited for his gesture of agreement, "I want you to try climbing it using nothing but your chakra."

He opened his mouth again, this time with an indignant expression, before realization washed over him. I… have his eyes turned into stars?!

"Whoa… That's so _cool_! I never thought of that!" Ah god, he's fisting his hands underneath his chin. Sadly, that's only adorable when Musubi-chan does it.

What can I do to stop this burgeoning hero worship?

Do I even want to stop it? I mean, I've never been looked up to, exactly. It's a nice feeling.

Gah, get it together. You're a terrible role model. C-something would be fucked up within a week.

"Tree-climbing, go!"

The brat ran off, quite a bit happier than last time. The allure of scaling otherwise impassable objects knows no boundaries nor restraints, it seems.

Hah? What's this?

**Leaf-sticking Exercise learned**

That's… informative. The fuck's an exercise?

"Inventory."

**Inventory**

**Weapons Armors Jutsu Consumables [Misc]**

**32 Adults-only Magazine  
4 Makeshift Lockpick  
57 Shredded Page  
7 Textbook**

It would be under Jutsu, right?

**Inventory**

**Weapons Armors [Jutsu] Consumables Misc**

**Clone Jutsu  
Disguise Jutsu  
Leaf-sticking Exercise  
Mass Shadow Clone Jutsu  
Replacement Jutsu  
Shadow Clone Jutsu**

And tap it and… nothing. Really? Goddammit. Alright, fine, whatever. I know it's learned, at least. That's a good thing, right? So… does this mean I can stick stuff to me whenever I want to? It seems weird that I haven't had to train it. I suppose I could understand that if I had a high Control skill, but it's around 20, last I checked.

Mysteries abound.

Now's as good a time as any to check the menus, I guess. I was planning on training up the two exercises, but since it seems I just _master_ them when I get it right, I'll just stick my hand to a tree before getting out of here.

"Gah! Darn it, why can't I get this to work!" C-something exclaimed angrily, dusting himself off.

I observed his next attempt, noticing how similar it was to Team 7's method. He charged at a tree, planted his foot on the bark, and sprinted up a few steps before his momentum failed him. Truly, gravity is a harsh mistress.

"Why are you doing it like that?" I asked curiously. I never got why that was the modus operandi of Team 7. Baby steps are the name of the game.

He opened his mouth but didn't speak. After a couple moments, he grew a pensive expression and said, "It seems best? And-"

"Look," I raised a hand to cut him off, "First work on sticking your hand to the bark. Then try a foot. Then attempt to just stand on the side of the tree. Running up it from the get-go simply forces you to learn everything you need at once." Or so fanfiction and common sense have taught me.

Ah crap, the star-eyes are back!

"Got it, sensei!" Wow, he can _move_ when he wants to. And did he just call me sensei?

Well, whatever, time to figure out what exactly I have at my disposal. What should I explore first, though?

The Pause menu only has SAVE, LOAD, OPTIONS, and MAIN MENU. I know what all of those do, but I'm not sure if hitting MAIN MENU would pull me out of this dream/drug-fueled delusion/alternate dimension, kill me, or actually take me to a main menu. Not a risk I'm willing to take right now.

Inventory's pretty much self-explanatory. 5 categories all my shit is automatically sorted into, not much mystery there.

I haven't explicitly gone through the Status menu's options, but they seem pretty similar to _Fallout_. I'll explore them if I don't have a more unfamiliar menu.

Journal… All I really went through was the MAPS section. There were three others, I think.

We have a winner!

"Journal."

**Journal**

**QUESTS  
NOTES  
LOG  
MAPS**

Okay, what quests do I have now?

**Quests**

**ACTIVE  
COMPLETED  
FAILED**

Uh, ACTIVE?

**Active**

**Almost a Genin!  
Teaching the Brat**

Alright, so do I get an explanation of what to do with these quests?

…

I get a description of what the quest is about, but no objectives. Dammit. Though at least the description contains all the important details I need to remember, like how I need to go to the Academy at 8:00 tomorrow to meet my new sensei. So, in a sense, it _does_ carry objectives. I just need to puzzle them out from the text they're buried in.

The 'Teaching the Brat' quest doesn't give me any useful information, other than I need to teach C-something stuff to progress. Does tree-walking count as 'stuff'?

COMPLETED and FAILED were similar, COMPLETED containing the quest 'Second Chance' and FAILED holding 'The Genin Exam'. Both quests gave a blurb describing the result of the quest and my actions in it. The quests' circumstances were pretty obvious.

What about notes?

**Notes**

**(Make a note)**

Oh… so just a way to make notes of things ingame? Cool enough, I guess. Do they transfer over saves? Because that would make them _infinitely_ more effective.

"Save."

**Game saved**

The menu's still up, so let's make a note.

**Note #1**

**Testing, testing, 1 2 3…**

Heh, now to test.

"Load."

xxXXxxXXxxXXxx

"Journal. NOTES."

**Notes**

**(Make a note)**

Dammit. Didn't think so.

Now, what's the LOG?

**Log**

**PEOPLE  
PLACES  
DOCUMENTS  
ENEMIES  
CREATURES  
LORE**

Oh man, so cool! Now I can know whatever it is I've forgotten about the setting simply by reading it here! Perfect timing! Now, what's C-something's name…

**People**

**C-something  
Sarutobi Hiruzen  
Umino Iruka**

'Kay. While it's entirely possible that 'C-something' is C-something's actual birth name, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that it isn't. So I'm going to guess none of these contain any information I don't already know?

…

Fuck me, I'm right. And going out on another limb would tell me that all the other categories have the same lack of new information.

…

I can't even be upset, really. I guessed what was going to happen well in advance.

Right, now to explore the Status menu.

"Status."

**Status**

**Stats [Skills] Perks Reputation Misc**

**Uzumaki Naruto**

**Barter: 15  
Bukijutsu: 23  
Capacity: 57  
Control: 21  
Fuinjutsu: 27  
Genjutsu: 25  
Kenjutsu: 17  
Lockpicking: 23  
Medicine: 35  
Ninjutsu: 27  
Science: 30  
Sneak: 42  
Speech: 15  
Survival: 30  
Tactics: 30  
Taijutsu: 27  
Trapping: 1**

Okay, Perks.

**Status**

**Stats Skills [Perks] Reputation Misc**

**Intense Training (1/10)  
+ 1 to any SPECIAL stat**

Right, exactly like I figured.

Reputation?

**Status**

**Stats Skills Perks [Reputation] Misc**

**Konoha: Mixed  
Umino Iruka: 20  
Sarutobi Hiruzen: 25  
C-something: 8**

What's Mixed mean? All the others have numbers, which I assume to be how much they like or respect me, but what does Mixed entail?

… Tapping it does nothing. I guess it means there's not a general consensus on how people view me. Some like me for… something, some hate me for holding the Kyuubi, while the rest dislike me for my former pranks. A 'Mixed' bag, if you will.

Awful, awful japery. Why don't I distract myself with the Misc menu?

**Status**

**Stats Skills Perks Reputation [Misc]**

**Karma: Neutral**

The rest of the menu was a list of everything I think could be quantified, and several things I thought couldn't.

Right. Sweet. Should I try for good karma or bad karma?

…

Good karma, duh. I've never seen a situation where bad karma got you _anything_ from _anyone_. Good karma will probably be harder to obtain and maintain, but it'll come with numerous rewards. Bad karma will allow me to take the more convenient options in quests, but will probably come with several negative consequences.

Good karma good, bad karma bad.

Okay, so the menus are pretty standard fare, some just more useful than others. Now that's off my to-do list…

Sigh. Save me from stupid kids.

"Oi! You look like you're going to fall over!" I called out, forcing C-something to stop walking to the tree.

Worryingly, he almost fell over from it. How draining is the exercise, anyway?

"And you almost did. Look, you just sit here and rest for a bit, okay? I'll go get a drink of something."

I didn't want to brat to die on me, after all.

xxXXxxXXxxXXxx

Ah, vending machine! Perfect! Now what kind of change do I have?

I dug around in my pockets, forgetting for a moment I… don't have… change?

The coin was shiny and looked freshly minted, with an image of some old guy in sharp relief. How the hell did I get this? I thought I had no money?

Wait, I just don't have an _indicator_ of how much money I have. So, for all I know, I could be a millionaire! Which isn't saying much, if the ryo has comparable value to a yen.

**Obtained 20 ryo**

… Or money could just not count unless I actually touch it. Do I have a counter now?

"Inventory."

**Inventory**

**Weapons Armors [Jutsu] Consumables Misc**

**Clone Jutsu  
Disguise Jutsu  
Leaf-sticking Exercise  
Mass Shadow Clone Jutsu  
Replacement Jutsu  
Shadow Clone Jutsu**

Yep, there's a little indicator off to the right saying I now have 20 ryo. Why didn't it tell me I had 0 ryo before?

Whatever, how do I get the coin back? And do I have more loose change?

I went through my pockets again, looking for another coin to add to my ryo.

Aha, another one!

I pulled out another 20 ryo coin carrying the same old man's face. Not Sarutobi, so who? And where's the indicator saying I got 20 ryo?

… Unless this is the same coin, just summoned to my pocket when I wanted a coin. Since there's no indicator saying I got another 20 ryo, that's the most plausible option. Dammit.

How much are drinks?

100 ryo, eh? I can probably scrounge up that much. But I can't leave C-something alone for too long or else he's liable to start training again. I don't have a high opinion of his ability to realize his limits.

What's that on the ground over there? Oho, a wallet! Fat, hopefully with loot, but more likely with phone numbers and receipts. Oh well, let's check it.

The wallet was made of some kind of leather, the red-colored coating flaking off from heavy use. Inside was a plastic screen showing some kind of ID (not a driver's license since cars don't exist here, I think) and a zipper following the wallet's top. This guy keeps his money in a zippered pouch? Why? It isn't waterproofed, it isn't any safer, unless you have a habit of shaking your wallet upside-down, so why go through the extra step to secure your money? Pickpocketing, maybe?

Well, whatever. I don't recognize this guy's face, and there's no one around to witness this. Lootin' time.

Okay, so there're two 100 ryo coins. Not a bad haul, just enough for drinks. I don't really care about the wallet or the ID, so I'll just put it back where I found it.

**You've lost karma**

WHAT! For what, returning a wallet? Jeez, fine, I'll bring it to the nearest police department, happy?

No response.

On second thought, this was probably due to my rummaging through… Suma Takashi's wallet. And, if I brought this to the police, they'd ask some rather uncomfortable questions about why it's empty, especially if it was reported missing with money in it.

Anonymous donation? Nah, the police force are probably shinobi who're trained in investigation and interrogation, no way they wouldn't remember my face. And I doubt I could sneak in there, even if Sneak is 42.

So I'll just leave it here and hope this Takashi guy is smart enough to know where he lost his wallet.

Anyway, now I have enough for drinks! Some kind of sports drink, 'Revitalizer', for C-something, and I'll have… the only other option, water. Damn, this vending machine's selection sucks. At least it gives change.

xxXXxxXXxxXXxx

I came back to the almost empty training ground just in time to see C-something collapse under the tree.

"What the f- uh, heck were you doing?!" I shouted, remembering at the last minute to avoid any 'no no' words, "Just… get over here and drink this."

It was almost scary how he seemed to teleport over here.

Mutely, I held out the sports drink and watched in amusement as he crinkled his nose.

"Ugh. Hate this kind. They say what tastes bad is good for you, though…" C-something grimaced and started to choke down the apparently awful concoction.

He needs some livening up. And I need some entertainment. I think of it as repayment for his being completely unable to read the atmosphere and being a spoiled ass.

"What's your name," I asked bluntly, hiding a grin when he almost choked for real.

"You never told me it, by the way," Whew, cut off what seemed to be an angry rant, there.

His mouth seemed to shut of its own accord. He took another swig and began cautiously, "I, uh, guess I didn't. I'm Konohamaru. Sarutobi Konohamaru,"

… That's the Hokage's last name, isn't it? Are these two really related? I can't really see any resemblance.

I leaned in to scrutinize the newly-named Konohamaru carefully, looking for any features I remembered from the old Hokage. Then I remembered I don't really know the old Hokage's face, so looking for similarities is pointless.

"Right. I'll take your word for it. Anyway, why are you so stupid?" I asked, sitting on a conveniently placed log on the edge of the clearing. My casual dismissal of his answer seemed to throw him off. Or maybe it was the insult? The answer is lost to time.

"Whaddya mean 'stupid'?" He growled out, joining me on the log.

"You were collapsing into a huddle when I came back here. No one I know does that while training, not that I know anyone other than you, the Hokage, and Umino-sensei. My point stands, though."

He foundered around for several moments before his face grew less lively.

"It's… it's just my tutor, Ebisu, doesn't actually _teach_ me anything. It's always 'practice your forms, honorable grandson' or 'a Hokage must have a thorough understanding of history, honorable grandson'. Leaf-sticking is cool and all, but this is the first _shinobi_ thing I've ever learned and I really want to get it down! Plus, do you realize how much I could do when I can stick to walls? It's a lot!" While he was ranting, he finished off his drink. Its nastiness must be mostly in the mind or something.

So… in short, this is the first thing he's been taught that's held his attention. That doesn't exactly answer my question, but I can infer enough to fill in the blanks. Is he one of those kinesthetic types that does poorly with Ebisu's presumably theory-heavy teaching style?

"Well, have you ever tried asking for more practical lessons?" Surely someone who prides himself on being the best tutor in Konoha (something I _actually remember_ from the anime!) would accommodate such a request.

Konohamaru gave me a flat look and crushed the empty bottle absentmindedly. Yeah, I suppose that was a stupid question. How did Naruto solve this problem in canon?

…

He created a boatload of clones; transformed them into beauteous, bouncy, busty blondes; and then preyed upon Ebisu's hidden, perverted tendencies. I can't do that, the primary reason being that _I still lack Shadow Clones_! How the hell did Naruto pull that off?!

Right, shounen protagonist. Great power comes with the territory. _But I'm now a shounen protagonist, why can't I do it_!

Alright, new game plan. Fuck Speech, focus on getting Ninjutsu up to 50. Creating solid copies of myself will help more in the long run than convincing people of things. Unfortunately, I need two levels to get the points necessary, so I'll just save this one in case I get the urge to pump Bukijutsu or Medicine.

I snapped out of my reverie from the sensation of a sharp poke in my side.

"You alright? You've been making funny faces at the grass for a couple minutes," I turned to glare at him but that's apparently a sign to continue in Japan, "Say, what'd you mean by 'amnesia'? Doesn't that mean you have no memories or something?" Konohamaru asked, dragging a foot through the dirt.

I never did answer him, did I? And he's going to keep bugging me about it until I give him an answer, so I might as well give him _something_. Well, what parts of the tale could I regale him with? Probably not the parts involving Mizuki turning traitor, or what I learned from the Forbidden Scroll. Those seem like things the Hokage want to keep secret. Though I would think he'd tell me what I can and cannot mention to other people.

Gah, whatever. I'll just explain the bare-bones. I'll make this a lesson in self-reliance and information gathering.

"After a series of misfortunate events, I came across something called 'Bodily Transformation Jutsu'. I performed it and now lack almost all of my memories. I've inferred that my personality's changed rather dramatically from what it was previously, but that's all I know. I would've expected that jutsu to swap my plumbing, now that I think about it," He looked rather inquisitive about the 'plumbing', but quickly realized what I meant. I guess that's why he blushed after a couple seconds, anyway.

"Alright, back to training. Assuming you feel better, of course."

He glared at me indignantly. If he was a fellow genin, I would be kind of worried about him attacking me despite his obvious weariness. As it stands, though, I'm confident in my ability to either run away or kick his ass.

"Don't give me that look. You were _collapsed_ when I got back here. Is that a symptom of chakra exhaustion?" Well, either my Medicine is too low to answer that or chakra exhaustion isn't a thing here. Probably the former.

"Look, just sit there for another hour without fainting. I'll be doing the exercise myself for your entertainment," Well, that seemed to cheer him up a bit. Ass.

I strolled over to the nearest tree and planted myself just in front of the trunk.

Alright, now what do I know about tree-walking? I would assume it follows the same principles as leaf-sticking, just applied by a different part of your body to a different material for a different purpose. Or the same purpose, depending on how much you care about the semantics. Other than that, I got nothing.

This should be fun.

I raised a hand and rested it against the tree bark. If I figure out about how much chakra to send to a limb, I'll spend much less time balancing on one leg, which is nice since my sense of balance is crap.

I fed a small amount of chakra to my hand, just slightly larger than I needed to stick the leaf. When the chakra flow steadied, I gently tugged against the bond I hoped existed there.

… Nope, damn. There was something, but not enough to cause my hand to resist the little bit of force I applied. This time I guess I need _more_ chakra.

I roughly doubled the flow and tried again. If my math (maths for you Brits) is correct, that would double the amount of 'stickitudiness' experienced in the process of removing my hand. Or this tree-walking exercise could be graphed in relation to chakra input by an exponential equation rather than a linear one, who knows? Hell, maybe it's a logarithmic equation, however the fuck that would make sense. Perhaps if it's only an infinitesimally miniscule portion of chakra that performs the actual 'stickification' process and any excess merely interferes with said process…

Well, would you look at that? While I was monologuing, my hand was stuck to the tree. It's a good thing to know I can maintain a constant emission of chakra despite being heavily distracted, at least.

Alright, how much force do I need to successfully fail at this?

I gently tugged at my hand again, becoming more forceful when my palm refused a trial separation with the bark.

Huh. Alright, I've got a pretty nice bond here. Let's take the testing up to the next notch.

Leaning back, I planted my foot next to the hand and pushed off… completely failing to pull away from the tree.

Sweet, second try succeeds! Okay, the next step would be to stick my foot to the tree.

I canceled the chakra going to my hand and redirected it to my sole, plus a little extra. The chakra has to go through my shoes, so I feel that this extra chakra will give it the 'oomph' necessary.

… So my foot hasn't been blown off the tree. And it hasn't exploded, either. In my experience, that's a good sign. It even resists being pulled off the tree, too!

This training is going by really quickly. Didn't Naruto and Co. take several days at least to learn this? Even 'prodigal genius' Sasuke?

**Leaf-sticking Exercise improved**

… What? _What_? I can improve these? That's bullshit.

Though I _did_ just think not more than a second ago that it was odd to instantly master an exercise that. So this is a good thing, I guess. Anyway-

"This is _boring_. Can I go back to training?"

Anyway, as I was saying before, this means I'm going to have to split my time between accomplishing quests to get levels and training my Exercises (and Jutsu, presumably) so they're more effective. Dammit.

"I'm going to go back to training," Oh my god, something about this little shit's voice makes me want to- gah, whatever. How to get my point that _this is really, really dangerous for him_ across?

"Just go home!" I calmly ordered him, "You haven't recovered by now, so just start again tomorrow! It's not like I need to supervise you every step of the way! Learn some goddamn independence!"

Yeah, I know what I just said to him. What're you going to do about it, huh?

… I'm not even surprised at his speed anymore.

"That's a great idea! Thanks, sensei!" He enthused (loudly. Very loudly. Right in front of me). And did he just call me sensei again? What a bipolar kid.

He sped off before I could even think about pulling my foot off the tree… It's already off the tree. Did my concentration fail? I had that mental rambling episode while maintaining the exercise, though.

**Quest completed**

Ooh, kickass. More to the previous point, maybe, at a low level of mastery, the exercise can fail?

"There you are!"

Oh goddammit. I'm not in the mood for this shit.

"Look, jackass," Harsh, but it also stopped Ebisu in his tracks, "You're looking for your student, right?" At his nod I continued, "Well he just left on the search for adventure. So leave me alone and chase after him before he hurts himself."

**Speech 15/50  
FAIL**

Fuck.

Ebisu merely 'humphed', "As if honorable grandson would do something so foolish. While I admit he has a small rebellious streak, he wouldn't go gallivanting off to search for something as nebulous as 'adventure'."

… You had a decent chance of buying that. Shut the fuck up and get off your high horse.

"Look, I have no idea where he is right now. Probably on his way to wherever he lives. Go search there."

Did he just flip me off? If he needed to push up his sunglasses, why couldn't he use any of his other fingers?

"Why should I believe you? Considering your reputation, it's more likely that you have seduced honorable grandson to become as belligerent and uncouth as you are," This time he adjusted his sunglasses to reflect the sun in my eyes, using his thumb and forefinger this time.

… Is he serious? 'Seduced'? I know that's not the thrust of his argument, but seriously?! I'm not into guys, nor prepubescents! Two turn-offs don't equal a turn-on!

"First, no. Second, really? I do not 'seduce' anyone, especially not little boys. Kindly take your assertions and shove 'em."

He didn't seem to appreciate that.

"Perhaps I should teach a delinquent such as yourself a lesson. I'm sure you will thank me later," He flipped me off (this time I'm sure of it) and smirked.

Geh. Even though he's an ass, I seem to recall that he's a Special Jonin. _Waaay_ out of my level 2 league. Time to do some damage control.

"Gonna beat up a defenseless genin? One who hasn't even gotten his team assignment yet? Say, after I heal up, can I join you when you kick the canes out from under the elderly and steal lollipops from babies?"

I don't think I've ever seen someone's face turn a uniform shade of red. Anime physics are a lot weirder when you're seeing them on a moving face.

"I- I do none of those things! How dare you insinuate that I do so!" He somehow stuttered while shouting. Is he so out of sorts that he's unable to speak properly?

While I have a strong urge to goad him further, I think it would be a better idea to cut and run.

"Thank you for your time, but I'm afraid I must be off!" I called behind me, walking away as quickly as I could without jogging.

Ebisu didn't chase after me, thank god.

xxXXxxXXxxXXxx

I might've gotten lost a couple times, but thanks to the Map (lowercase map being the paper one), I got back to _Higurashi Weapons_. Now that I actually examined the store without being interrupted, I could finally notice how… ordinary it seemed. It was nothing more than a store with a sign sitting in a long line of shops with signs stretching down either side of the street. No display windows, either.

I pushed open the door, ignoring the little *tinkle* of a bell. Short rows of shelves holding shiny, death-dealing instruments were arranged between me and the counter at the back wall. Taller racks lined the side walls, all loaded with a variety of katana, polearms, axes, and other melee weapons.

"Hello, honored customer!" Called the rather cute female employee with buns on either side of her head… Tenten. The employee running the register was Tenten. I guess that answers the question of her association with the shop.

"Hello," It can't hurt to be polite as I make my way to her, "I'm shopping for some weapons and I was hoping you could give me some advice."

From what I remember, she was a weapons specialist, so it would stand to reason she would be able to tell me a lot about the various types.

Her expression grew a bit brighter, "Sure! What were you looking for?"

… What _am_ I looking for? More kunai and shuriken, certainly. But what else? My Kenjutsu (which I now think only refers to swords in the actual series) is kind of low and I'm not going to raise it for several levels. Maybe I should just say I'm not sure?

Perhaps I should just bluff my way through this? But I've got no idea how to handle weapons aside from 'stick the pointy bit in the enemy', so maybe getting into a conversation with an expert about this wouldn't be advisable.

"I'm, ah, not really sure. I need more kunai and shuriken, but I'm not very competent with most weapons right now," I unconsciously scratched the back of my neck.

And just like that, her expression dimmed, "I see. Then I would suggest anything, really. Unless you've had experience handling many different weapons, it's impossible to figure out which is the best fit, so to speak. Though I've found that the lighter, smaller weapons tend to be easier for novices to use."

Damn. That probably cost me a few relationship points. Pretty sure I'll come out of this with an overall gain, though, so there's no reason to Save/Load this.

"Thanks. What do you have in stock?" I mean, every weapon I've ever seen or read about in _Naruto_ was a kunai, a shuriken, a generic katana, or some super-special-sword-that-is-not-actually-a-sword-so-much-as-some-artist's-fever-dream.

Imagine my surprise when a barter menu popped up.

**Higurashi Weapons**

**[Weapons] Armors Jutsu Consumables Misc**

**12 Fine Kunai  
3 Fine Shuriken  
69 Kunai  
3 Poor Katana  
19 Poor Kunai  
1 Poor Wakizashi  
2 Rusty Katana  
53 Rusty Kunai  
1 Rusty Odachi  
13 Rusty Shuriken  
87 Shuriken**

Odachi are really big katana, right? And wakizashi are smaller katana used with one hand, I think. No claymores, sabers, rapiers, or polearms, though. Which is fucking _weird_, since there are several of these missing pieces lying around the shelves.

… Leveled shop inventories would explain that. They won't carry anything really good until I hit the higher levels. A shop's inventory opened up significantly one you passed level 20 in _New Vegas_, from what I remember. Though this game system is deviating more and more from what I recall, so maybe I shouldn't make predictions based off that.

What armor do they have?

… Nothing. Do shinobi really only wear flak jackets as their only protection? That's fucking stupid, why wouldn't they invest in at least some kind of leather getup? They could even reinforce them with seals so they could protect against more that wimpy genin and dog bites. Though I suppose armor could just be restricted to the higher ranks i.e. on a higher leveled list than I can access.

The other areas were also irritatingly empty. A crying shame, that.

Okay, so… I have no money, according to the little numbers on the screen. Well, I have 20 ryo, but a Rusty Shuriken is 30 ryo and that's the cheapest item on there. I don't exactly have much that I'm willing to sell, except maybe those magazines and torn pages. I don't even see an option to turn the barter menu to my Inventory so I can sell stuff. Maybe it's a separate menu entirely?

"Do you buy things?" I asked, closing the shopping menu absentmindedly.

She seemed to consider it for a moment.

"Weapons only. I or another employee conduct extensive tests on submitted items to ensure quality, so you'd receive payment in a few days rather than immediately. Why, you have anything?"

Motherfucker.

"No. Just curious," I said, depressed and hanging my head.

"Well," I shot my head up, "We do pay a bit for broken weapons or low quality metal to use as forging material. You need to be a genin with access to the higher level training grounds, though."

I made a quizzical expression as she continued on.

"Most people who salvage for us get the metals from weapons abandoned in training fields. Since only jonin are rich enough to regularly leave broken weapons lying around, it's the more dangerous training grounds that give a decent haul. After some street rats wound up in the hospital a few years ago, the boss decided to not allow any non-shinobi to do something so dangerous."

"I'm getting assigned a team tomorrow. Does that count?" Upon reflection, probably not. There's still the chance I could fail the next test. And she mentioned I'd need access to the tougher training fields, implying that it's not an automatic right to go there.

Tenten merely smirked, "Nope, sorry. You'll understand in a couple days, kiddo."

If I wasn't twelve, I'd take offense to that. As it stands, I'm a little irritated at her patronizing tone, but I can ignore that.

"Right. And if I have a bunch of crappy weapons I'm willing to sell as scrap for moolah?"

Her eyes unfocused slightly before she shook her head, "Sorry, our scrap metals have to be of the highest quality. So no rust, no pits, no residues, only freshly-broken weaponry will do."

... I'm tempted to point out half of her inventory is absolute shit, but I doubt it'll make a difference.

"Okay. So, know of any pawn shops in the area?"

Tenten grinned apologetically, "Nope. And even if I did, I wouldn't be allowed to tell you. It's bad business to redirect customers to other stores and I kind of need this job."

Goddammit, I must've be failing invisible Luck checks all day today.

xxXXxxXXxxXXxx

After that debacle, I decided to just cut my losses and get the hell out of the store. Tenten didn't seem to notice my departure other than to call out a bored 'Come again' when the bell rang.

Though now I wonder what I'm going to do for dinner. I can't eat cup ramen for long, but I also _have no money, nor any method of quickly acquiring it_! No money means no buying things, which means no grocery shopping, which means no culinary experiments, which means no meals other than cup ramen!

Well, I'm starting mission tomorrow, I think. No, wait, tomorrow's the secret Genin Exam thing, the day after is when we take our first mission, probably. I hope D-ranks pay decently, or else I'm going on a diet for the foreseeable future. Though the accuracy of calling an all-ramen diet a diet is debatable.

Well, whatever. If it gets bad enough, I'm confident in my abilities to filch small foodstuffs from the various merchants of Konoha. Just to supplement my carbohydrate-heavy fare, of course.

Though I'm sure it won't come to that. After all, tomorrow's another day.

xxXXxxXXxxXXxx

A distant buzzing echoed through my fuzzy head as I blinked through some sort of floodlight beaming directly into my retinas.

Oh, that's the sun. And that buzzing is an alarm clock. Did I buy an alarm clock recently?

…

_Naruto_. Right. Either undeniable evidence of the supernatural or an unusually elaborate, morphine-induced hallucination.

Do I have any more clean jumpsuits?

xxXXxxXXxxXXxx

It turns out I don't, so I just slipped on the one that stank the least.

Come to think of it, why am I able to don garb normally but also able to equip it in the Inventory?

… I would guess that putting them on normally makes them show up as equipped in the Inventory, while doing it through the Inventory would be almost exactly the same, only you'd have to explain how you managed to instantly change clothes.

Ah, the Academy. How I missed your worn halls and surly examiners. Nostalgia's the best kind of wistfulness.

… Where's my classroom? Fuck me, I didn't think of asking and no one thought to tell me. It's a classic example of both sides dropping the ball.

What to do, what to do…

"Like hell you will!"

You know what, I'm going to investigate that piercing voice. Who knows, maybe I'll get a quest out of it and I'm sure Iruka'll understand once I explain the circumstances. Now, that shouting emanated from my left, so let's go down that hallway.

And… another juncture, great. Now, it originally came from my left, but I couldn't say whether it was in front of or behind me when I first heard it.

"Hey, back off, forehead!"

A right turn it is.

Wait for it…

"No way, pig!"

There we go. Hold the course straight.

"Ah, look out!"

Odd, that one sounded- FUCK!

Something, those voices I heard probably, rammed into my side, sending me and whatever people were shouting tumbling into a pile on the ground.

"Ooh, my head."

I couldn't agree with you more… someone's touching me inappropriately. Why didn't I notice this sooner?

"You mind, whoever's doing that?" I asked laconically, not shifting from my position facing the ground on my stomach. Optimal tone for maximum embarrassment, which will mean whoever's doing that will knock it off faster.

Someone, a girl judging by the pitch, 'eeped' and the sensation around my junk vanished only to be replaced by a faint ringing in my head.

"Pervert!" The bitch screamed, springing off me.

… I think she hit me. Thank god the power of feminine fury seems nonexistent here. Or she was in an awkward position to hit someone lying on the ground.

"Ino-chan, you okay? Did this guy- Naruto! What did this idiot do to you?!" Another voice asked, accompanied by a patter of footfalls.

I'm going to go out on a limb and say I was tracking Sakura and Ino. To get even farther out on that tenuous branch and say I just interrupted them on the way to class would be insane, but what the hell. You only live once, right?

"I'm fine, Naruto here just tripped me up. But then he sullied me!"

… What? I think I better sit up and defend myself.

"Ladies, ladies-" I scooted myself backwards on a hunch and watched amusedly as Sakura twirled to the ground when her haymaker failed to impact.

"Rude, very rude. You parents must be ashamed to have such a brutish daughter. And _your_ parents must be mortified to have their precious flower tell such blatant lies."

I think I was perfectly justified in that insult. Sakura just attempted to give me a concussion for chrissake! And Ino already tried!

Brushing off some dust from my pants, I pulled myself upright, noting irritably that both girls were taller than me.

"… This is some kind of prank, I think." Sakura said slowly, apparently forgetting about Ino's claim that I molested her. Either she knew it was false or she doesn't care to avenge her friend. Both options cast an unflattering light on her character.

"Whatever, forehead. I'm going to see Sasuke-kun!" Ino called as she dashed off, followed by an enraged Sakura.

… Well that was kind of surreal. I should follow them, I guess.

xxXXxxXXxxXXxx

Huh. This is the same classroom I took the paper test in, I think. Odd. Very odd.

I pulled the door aside to show a mummified Iruka reaching for the handle, whose only uncovered skin showed on half of his face. Why the hell is he allowed to go around like this?

"Naruto-kun! Where've you been?! I was just going out to look for you!" He asked imperiously, crossing his arms across his chest.

"Ah, sorry, Umi- Iruka-sensei. Forgot where the classroom was." Apparently, scratching the back of the neck when nervous carried over to me.

Iruka's expression softened: "Oh. Right. Sorry for forgetting about that. It's just…"

"Yeah. Hard to get used to, I imagine. Anyway, what happened to you? Why were you allowed out of the hospital in this condition?"

He tried to scratch his cheek, but flinched when his finger made contact.

"I'm fine, really I am." He laughed a bit, "Medical chakra is really amazing. I'm wearing the bandages just because my skin's a little tender. And I'm not really covered that much. These ones on my face are the majority."

… Right, I'm not going to question this.

"Mind stepping aside?"

Iruka jumped to the left and blushed slightly in embarrassment.

My first impression of the classroom was… weird. Weird in the sense of how _familiar_ it seemed.

There were about five rows of wooden desks each on a higher level than he one before it, with a much larger desk in front of all of them where Burned Man was sitting before. I know I've been here before, but it seems almost just like some middle school class. Except for what everyone's wearing, no school I know of would allow earrings and belly shirts. And that the chalkboard is showing calculations on imparting the maximum angular velocity to a kunai whilst ensuring it hits tip first consistently. The number of sharp metal objects being casually displayed for all to see was a bit off-putting, too.

In short, entirely unlike a normal classroom.

Conveniently, every seat was occupied except for the aisle seat next to Sakura and Sasuke. Getting to know them can wait until we're a tema dn I can convince them of the importance of team unity.

… I call railroad plot. Well, whatever. Might be a decent time to mend bridges with Sakura. We're going to be a team, after all.

"Class, Naruto-kun has something to tell you." Iruka announced, drawing some lazy interest from a couple students.

Wait, what?

Oh, the amnesia. I was kind of hoping to say this on my own terms, but I guess it's better to get it out in the open.

"Eh, right," I tossed a glare behind me as the staggering force of a couple preteens' blank stares almost overwhelmed me, "So I'm Uzumaki Naruto and I have amnesia for reasons I can't discuss, I think. It's, ah, nice to meet you all?"

Didn't mean for the last part to come off as a question.

**Speech 15/75  
FAIL**

Goddamn, what's with all these Speech checks? And that was ridiculously high, nobody gets over 50 speech before level 10!

"You're in on this prank too, Iruka-sensei? Does Naruto have blackmail on you?" Sakura asked in the silence, the cunt.

Iruka's stammered denials only seemed to reinforce the now-prevailing opinion that this was an elaborate prank.

Well, this is alright enough. Chunin exams are going to come around within a year, and the more people that think I'm still a blonde doofus, the less people I'll have gunning for me.

"Stop whatever troublesome thing you're doing, Naruto. I want a peaceful last day in class." A boy wearing fishnet underneath a grey, sleeveless jacket said sleepily. I think that was Nara Shikamaru, judging by how tired he seems to be. And the word 'troublesome'.

Well, this is an annoying bunch of kids. I wish they weren't going to be my future companions.

I strolled up to the empty seat and dropped into it, purposefully avoiding looking at Sakura or Sasuke.

"Well," Iruka coughed and continued. Is he really okay? "Now that everyone is here, I want to congratulate you all on passing the Exams one final time. It has been an honor teaching you and I'm sure you will go on to become great shinobi."

Some purple-haired girl I don't recognize spoke up. "That reminds me, how did blondie over there pass? Didn't he flunk every single test?"

A chorus of agreeing murmurs washed over the room. It sounded rather odd.

Coughing a bit again, Iruka answered. "Naruto-kun managed to show his competence in another way. We gave him another retest and he managed to pass this time. The rest of the details are classified."

Way to go, genius. Now everyone's going to be badgering me about this.

… Or not, judging by how many people are quietly accepting that reason. How brainwashed are these kids to just accept it when a teacher tells them to stop investigating?

"Getting back on track," He said, "I wanted to say a few words before I announce who you'll be working with as genin, chunin, and jonin. You've all learned so much in this class, some more than others," He cast a glare at Shikamaru and faltered when turning to me, "But if you take only one thing away from my class, take this: the most powerful shinobi isn't the fastest, or the smartest, or the one who can wield a katana like an extension of their arm. It's the one with many friends and comrades, ready and able to assist him or her whenever trouble strikes. While personal strength is important, true bonds of friendship can allow a genin to defeat a jonin."

Rather eloquent. Is this a hint for passing the true Genin Exam? 'Focus on your teammates rather than yourself' is basically what Kakashi taught the original Team 7, so maybe Iruka was trying to give a hint on what to do?

"Iruka coughed again. Or maybe he cleared his throat. "Team 9 is still in circulation, so that number will be skipped. Team 1 will be Mizuno Ami, Nakamoto Emi, and Kan Nobuyori."

The purple-haired girl from before let her head slam into the desk, imitated by another girl, this one brunette, and a redheaded boy. Not only do I not recognize the members, this team breaks the rule of 'two males per female' on a genin team. I guess this isn't an actual policy and it's just a coincidence that the teams I know of all follow the pattern.

"Team 2 will be-" Another series of names I didn't recognize rolled out of his mouth.

"Team 3 will-"

"Team 5-"

"Team-"

Wait, what was that last one?

"Team 10 will be Yamanaka Ino, Nara Shikamaru, and Akimichi Choji."

Shit, missed Team 7. Well, I suppose it's almost guaranteed that I'll be on it. And, if I'm not, then the Team 8 instructor, whose name escapes me for the moment, will only get two people moving over to her. Unless there are more teams than I remember.

… Nah. Well, highly unlikely. What team would be so despised that every fanfiction I've read would cut them out?

"Your Jonin-sensei will enter and call out which team they teach. You've all been great students and I wish you luck in your future careers as protectors of Konoha." Is… is he crying? He's wiping the corner of his eye, but it's possible he's just getting a bit of dust off.

A laconic-looking man wearing what I assume to be standard jonin attire, a blue jumpsuit underneath a green flak jacket, and smoking a cigarette strolled into the room and announced, "Team 10 with me."

... Isn't he some kind of family to the Hokage? I might not have remembered Konohamaru, but I'm sure I wouldn't make the same mistake twice. For the hundredth time.

Shikamaru, Ino, and who I assume to be Choji (not many overweight characters in anime) followed him out of the room just before another jonin entered. This one was a woman, untamed black hair and red eyes drawing attention away from the bandage-toga dress with a red sleeve. It was probably the weirdest clothing I've ever seen someone wear outside of a cosplayer.

"I am Yuhi Kurenai, sensei of Team 8," She said perfuntorally.

Hinata, some kid with a white puppy (Akamaru and his pet dog, Kiba), and one last kid wearing a raincoat and _another_ pair of awesome sunglasses (bug-user named Shiro?) trailed after her.

Several more sensei, each seeming more dull and bland than the last entered the room and took away the rest of the kids, so I assume I'm on team 7. Can't hurt to confirm it, though.

"Hey, Iruka-sensei, I'm on Team 7, right?"

He jumped slightly before fixing a frown on his face.

"Didn't you pay attention, Naruto-kun? Yes, you are. You and your new teammates are the only student unclaimed by a teacher."

"Ehe, just checking." This time, I was the one chuckling nervously and scratching my cheek.

xxXXxxXXxxXXxx

"Well, it looks like you instructor is running late." Iruka mumbled nervously, his voice carrying out to the rest of us.

I couldn't resist throwing in my two cents (or is it ryo, now?), "I'd hardly call an hour just 'running late', sensei."

Sakura nodded timidly and Sasuke showed no reaction.

"I, uh, would love to stay with you all waiting for your jonin-sensei, but I'm already kind of behind on some paperwork I put off joining you all, so…" He let the sentence dangle pathetically.

"We don't need supervision." Holy shit, did Sasuke just speak voluntarily?!

… That may or may not be very impressive. Again, I didn't watch the original series very much.

"Right, well, um… Good luck? Stay safe? Don't trash the classroom?" He gave up and just trudged out of the door.

… That's _such_ a stupid joke. It'll be hilarious.

"Know what I feel like doing?" I asked rhetorically, to neither of their interests, "Trashing the classroom."

"I'll tell Iruka-sensei." Sakura mumbled half-heartedly, the tattle-tale.

Sasuke merely grunted and shifted even farther away from me.

No sense of humor, the both of them.

xxXXxxXXxxXXxx

You know, it occurs to me that I didn't actually _learn_ tree-walking. I kind of got distracted when I leveled the Leaf-sticking Exercise. Where could I finish this…

"Bathroom alert. Tell whoever our sensei is where I am?"

Sakura's the one who grunted this time, while Sasuke didn't even react.

"I'll take that as a yes. Later."

Alright, now where's the bathroom? While doing it outside would be easier, there's the distinct possibility that Kakashi will actually show up while I'm gone.

xxXXxxXXxxXXxx

_Omake: Super cereal time_

Sarutobi sighed as he felt Naruto's unique chakra signature escape his senses. The damn boy couldn't just keep himself out of trouble, could he?

The old Hokage chuckled mirthlessly and lit his pipe with a minor fire jutsu. He gave it a couple puffs and considered what to do.

After all, this wasn't the same as pranking a villager or failing a test, Naruto had performed one of the most mysterious jutsu he had ever encountered and was apparently fundamentally altered as a result. Naruto was different, no doubt about that; his stance, his gait, his personality, hell, even his musculature was radically different from the previous day. Some of the changes were simply more obvious than others.

And therein lay the rub. Sarutobi couldn't be sure if this was Naruto or merely a poor imposter. Some things, the amount of chakra, subtle mannerisms, stayed the same. However, several other characteristics, such as the boy's enthusiasm near the end of their meeting, seemed unfamiliar and faked. Still more behaviors were completely out of left field, to borrow an expression he'd caught from a foreign traveler.

Creating an infiltrator that matched Naruto in several important ways but diametrically opposed in almost everything else would appeal to his former student, Orochimaru. The traitor couldn't pass up a chance to pull one over his once-mentor, especially in such a blatant yet subtle manner.

The safest course of action would be to simply rip the Kyuubi out of this new Naruto and hold it in a specially-prepared inanimate container, transferring the beast whenever it seemed ready to escape. It was prudent, cautious, _Danzo_-like. While Sarutobi understood his counterpart meant well for Konoha, he seemed to lack any kind of long-ranged goals other than the eventual domination of all other nations. Even this ambition was fraught with perils, as such a large country would inevitably splinter into various territories ruled over by warring kings.

But that was enough about his former teammate. Sarutobi simply needed a method of determining if this was the true Naruto. Simply checking the seal would prove nothing, as a tailed beast's chakra could be replicated in small amounts and releasing too much would spell disaster for anybody within a few blocks.

Perhaps…

"Ocelot, please examine young Naruto-kun thoroughly. Take several samples and analyze them for traces of the Kyuubi's chakra." Sarutobi spoke to a seemingly-empty room.

A slight breeze passed through the room, telling the God of Shinobi that his request was being carried out before he finished speaking.

ANBU Ocelot was his medical specialist, trained primarily in forensic techniques and autopsy procedures. While not nearly as talented as his other former pupil, Tsunade, Ocelot made up for it with specialization and constant practice. Tsunade, perhaps because of her affinity for medicine, never bothered to truly apply herself unless a challenge was presented to her. Such a shame.

Though, to be entirely honest, what Ocelot was asked to do wasn't particularly difficult. Such a skilled shinobi performing the analysis would only improve it's reliability and accuracy by a small degree. Jinchuuriki were fundamentally affected by the presence of tailed beast chakra in their coils. While this usually resulted in nothing more that increased physical ability, Naruto was special in that he received two gifts without the Kyuubi's consent: a mild healing factor and his whiskers. The whiskers were, while mildly sensitive to the touch, in the end nothing more than a curiously. The healing, on the other hand, was infinitely more useful. And interesting.

Whenever Naruto received an injury, be it a cut, scrape, or mild poison (the stubborn lad wouldn't listen when Sarutobi said the ramen went bad), the Kyuubi's chakra exited the seal and rushed straight to the injury (or liver, in the case of the food poisoning), seemingly accelerating the cell division process. Normally, this would result in a drastically shortened lifespan, but the chakra also seemed to 'repair' the cells somehow, increasing the time they could survive without dividing. The net effect was nothing more than the normal time to live as an average Uzumaki, which was around 200 years, give or take a few decades.

This process left an indelible mark on the affected areas. And, even if this 'Bodily Modification Jutsu' managed to erase even that, all Ocelot would need to do is induce the healing effect again and record the results.

Other test were available, too. Genetic sequencing, to check if the results matched Naruto's current file, continued informal psychological evaluation, and interrogation (the least attractive option) were all viable.

Sarutobi hoped Ocelot's results were conclusive enough that nothing more would be necessary. The sequencing and evaluations would still be done, but a definitive first test would rule out the need for calling out Ibiki or Anko.

Sarutobi Hiruzen merely did what was necessary as a Hokage: hoping for the best, preparing for the worst.

xxXXxxXXxxXXxx

… **Aaaand done! Whew, this monster chapter was hard to write. Hopefully it meets with your approval.**

**I'm not going to promise any kind of update schedule, since so many other things are taking up my attention nowadays.**

**The last scene with Sarutobi was something I felt had to be in here, but I couldn't think of any way to shoehorn it into the main narrative. Whether it actually happened or if it's just a snippet I cleaned up and displayed for your viewing entertainment is entirely up to you.**

**EDIT: Got rid of a couple unnecessary stat checks, clarified a few points in Tenten's conversation, and slightly improved Naruto's knowledge of his classmates.**


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